Streams in a Wasteland

Disturb us Lord

I'm torn between the desire to write and the unlucky coincidence that my brain is seemingly void of insightful thoughts. That seems to be the great paradox of my life. Wanting to do something, yet not having focus enough to do it. Sometimes I think I have something akin to ADD because I'll get so excited about something or want to do something but I can't make myself sit still long enough to focus on the task needing to be done. 

Written about 2 weeks ago...

I dusted off some of my old piano books this week. It's amazing what you forget when you don't practice anymore.
It brought back so many memories... You know when you find something you love and you invest a lot of time in it, and then, for whatever reason, you stop doing those things, you forget about them, and then several years later you remember that you forgot them? So you become reacquainted.  There's such a comfort in that familiar reverie. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but it makes me wonder why I ever stopped. I guess time creeps by, you become busy, too busy for the things you really love, and then you forget that you loved them, forget how much you loved them. Forget that, in some odd and mystical way, that thing seems to have the ability to love you too. Something that used to define such a huge part of you becomes lost. And as a result, a large part of you gets lost. I realize I was lost. I still am a little. I always will be. I think my life will always be a series of discovering again where I've unintentionally made my way to a place I never meant to go and then finding my way back to the right path. I want to make my way back to the love of playing. Music, and the love of it, is really quite a unique and esoteric thing. It's deep, almost as if it's encrypted into your genetic code. The English language doesn't have a satisfactory word for the following thought, but when you let yourself bask in this passion, it doesn't matter how challenging it is, because the result is worth it. I'm not fond of cliches -it seems lately I've been using a lot of them- but music is so much like love. You shouldn't forget to practice it. You shouldn't forget to live it. You shouldn't forget to be inspired by it. You shouldn't forget to revel in it. You shouldn't forget that to separate yourself from it means to put to death a large part of your heart. Such a large part of who I am has metaphorically been in a coma, for lack of a better description, for 6 years. But, I smile as I type this, I'm starting to stir. I'm a bit weak, nowhere near as strong as I used to be, but I'm animately existent. And the world, though at times daunting, seems like a much better place...

How He Loves

I'm sitting here at my dining room table, my favorite tea cup and saucer next to me {filled with Calm Tazo Tea, my favorite, and apple cider vinegar, not my favorite, but such is the life of an allergic convalescent like myself}, and with not much direction in regards to this post. I also have a nagging thought that I should be going to bed instead of writing, but I guess I'll sleep when I die. Or not, because I'll be in Heaven, and I don't think I'll want to sleep there.

Slow Down

This post is going to be more of a "What's been happening with me" post than a spiritual insights type of post.

Last Friday I started to feel under the weather and by Saturday I had acquired a full-blown sinus infection. AGAIN. I wanted to cry. I did, in fact. lol. I also had what I believe was an ear infection, as I had the worst ear pain I ever remember experiencing, on Saturday evening. I think I got one hour of sleep total that night. To be honest, the tears where in response to not only the pain, but the lack of sleep haha. So I decided that I need to make some drastic changes in my life because I cannot deal with having these nettlesome illnesses sprung on me at least once a month.

I did some research and apparently I'm going to have to seriously clean up my diet and stay away as much as I can from sugar, dairy, and wheat...the three main food groups. Haha kidding! But seriously, you don't realize how much you eat of something until you can't eat it anymore.

While I'm on the subject, this is the most draining and tiring case of sinusitis I think I've ever had. I probably say that each time but really, I laid in bed for four days and was still tired and drained after that. I also experienced more of "The Blues" than I usually do when I'm sick. It sucks when you're in that position because you are sick enough to be depressed and not well enough to be able to focus and tell yourself the right things. I tried several times to go to the Word but I felt like I just sat there and read and re-read things over and over and couldn't comprehend anything. And it's funny because you lay there and you just think to yourself, "Nothing means anything. Nothing is worth this. I'm never going to get better. I can't live like this". You would think I was man! {That's not a jab at men, I just mean everyone knows men are not good with being sick lol} I joked with my sister that if I ever had a terminal illness, I would not survive. My will to live isn't strong enough haha. I only had a sinus infection and I was ready to throw in the towel! It really made me respect more those people who do have serious conditions and are so strong and cheerful.

I say all of that to say, there's nothing quite like the feeling of relief when you wake up and realize you're not as bad as you were the day before. And I'm not sure what happened, but it was like I had this renewed sense of vigor over life. I wanted to do more with mine. Do some of those things I say I need to do, and do them because I want to, not because I should. 

Throughout that whole ordeal (even though I'm still not fully recovered) I kept asking God why I had to be sick. I know that sounds so petty and childish, but I won't apologize because I think God will use anything to bring us to those low points for a reason. I had just finished reading in a Bible study about how we see so little of God because we believe so little. I also learned that I tend to not ask God for things because I'm afraid of being disappointed when He doesn't answer the way I want. So I stay away from asking altogether, to avoid the disappointment and anger. Can I just say that you shouldn't do that? Even if you are like me, stubborn and willful, and so full of pride that you get angry when God doesn't do things the way you think He should do them. So anyway, because of all the things I had realized in my Bible study, on Saturday evening, when the pain was at it's worst, I kept praying for God to take it away. I knew that God could do it. {Incidentally, knowing that God can do something has never been a huge issue for me. It's wondering IF He'll do it that always gets me. Maybe that's why I get so angry when He doesn't answer the way I want-because I know He can and He's choosing not to. Pride.} And yet, there I was, all night and into the morning, clawing at my ear, barely able to breathe because of the congestion, and wondering, even though I knew in my logical mind that this was just a small thing, why God wouldn't take it away. You always hear about how God loves us as His children. His word is full of verses like that. It would seem that if God really loved me, He would make me feel better. He would make all of His children who hurt, feel better. And if He didn't heal them, He would work something miraculous to make the pain and hurt worth it all. But that didn't happen to me. I did get angry, but I also didn't quit seeking Him. Instead of giving up on Him in that area, I just kept asking Him to help me to see His purpose. I was talking with my mom the next day, telling her the situation, saying I didn't understand, and I believe the Holy Spirit spoke through her in that moment. She said, "When I used to get migraines all the time, I used to think God was punishing me. Now I know He wasn't punishing me.  He was trying to slow me down, and those times gave me opportunity to pray even more." It took me a while to think about those words, to process them. I had been praying the whole time, not only for myself but for other things and people. But the part that really hit me was when she said God used it to slow her down. You see, I've always wanted to be a jet setter. I've always wanted to be able to run the roads, lead an exciting life, do things for God all over the place. As I was pondering all of this, I realized, it may not be a bad thing to live a fast life, but it needs to be because God has a purpose in it, He's called me to it. I hadn't been doing a lot in the previous weeks, but I had been doing enough to keep me from spending time with Him. And I think He had to allow me to get sick so that I would be broken enough to listen to Him saying, "You may get to have a fast-paced, exciting life, you may not. But no matter what type of life you lead, you will get the grace to live it FROM ME AND ME ALONE. You think you can live how you want and only come to Me when you think you need Me. But just so you don't forget, you need Me all the time. Sick or not sick. During slow times and during busy times. In good times and in bad. In your weakness, I am strong." 

Unfortunately, this is a lesson I keep having to learn over and over again. But there is a familiar sense of comfort in being disciplined by God. God doesn't discipline to punish. He disciplines because He loves. He's more interested in what is truly good for me in the long run, not just the temporary comfort of good health. Now, I'm saying all of this while I'm on the way to being well. It's easier to convey when I'm feeling pretty good. But I think that's usually how I learn the lessons God teaches me. I go through something, don't understand the why, and then when I start to come out of "the thing", I start to learn "the lesson".

There are a few other little things that I think He is still trying to teach me and the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me, and I'm praying that no matter what He has to do, I'll learn it. One of my biggest fears is going through life and missing what He is trying to do in and around me! Pray for me, and I'll pray for you, that we wouldn't miss out on the revelation of the Holy Spirit and that we would live in a manner "worthy of the calling with which we are called."