Streams in a Wasteland

P.S.

Also, I have a few more verses I'd like to memorize. Including the other passages, this is obviously a lot of scripture. So at the moment I'm not going to set a specific date as to when I want these memorized. I'll figure it out later!
Romans 12:6-16 ⁶ In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. ⁷ If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. ⁸ If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

This Post Is Probably Going To Be Erratic

As the title of this post indicates, I'm going to be all over the place. As if that is anything out of the ordinary. I've had so much going through my mind lately but I have to say, it's a bit more peaceful than it usually is. No, not much of it makes sense but... I don't know. I'm not worried I guess.
I spoke with two people in the past two days that have helped me make some sense of myself lol. Because God knows on my own, I'm completely clueless. How is it that I cannot make sense of me? I don't understand. But it's ok :)
So I've been struggling with feeling like I'm not doing enough for God. And I knew in the back of my mind that it's not just about doing. It's about being. But for some reason I couldn't make the connection as to why it's not all about doing. So I was speaking with somebody whose council I value and basically what he said was that God doesn't need me to do things for Him. He needs me to let Him live through me. Obviously my heart is that I want to do the will of God. So if I am completely surrendered to Him, no matter what, He'll use me. But the key is surrender. And I thought about that idea for a while. It's funny how I can learn things so well (or so I think) and then I forget them. I haven't been surrendered to God. I've wanted to be in control. I've wanted my life to be how I think it should be and I would do things for God. But that's not what He wants. He wants me to be willing to change my plans so that He can use me. And it's hard to do that, to get to the place of surrender. But in my experience, it has brought much more peace then striving for the life that I think I want. It's like I was/am trying to serve two masters. And we all know that's no good.
I was so worried that what I am doing and what I will do is not enough, that God will be disappointed in me and that I won't be what He wants. But if I'm surrendered to Him, I will be what He wants. And He will accomplish His purpose through me. It makes so much sense. How did I miss that? I don't know lol. But the important thing is, now I know (somewhat) how to pray and what to ask Him.
I still have the issue of school and career and what to do. But I'm trusting that He'll show me. I had planned on writing more about that but I can't focus right now. Haha what a surprise. Until next time...

Scripture Memory

Ok so I know I said last sunday night that I was going to memorize a Psalm. Buuuut after I thought about it for a while, and after reading the Psalm over and over again, I decided that for what I'm going through, I should probably focus more on uplifting passages, not ones that focus on despair lol. I also want to memorize ones that focus on forgiveness and love because I really need the reminders daily. So here is a list of a few that I have found and would like to memorize:
-Luke 6:27-36- ²⁷ “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. ²⁸ Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. ²⁹If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. ³⁰ Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. ³¹ Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
 ³⁵ “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. ³⁶ You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
-John 13:34-35- ³⁴ So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ³⁵ Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
-1 John 3:18-20- ¹⁸ Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ¹⁹ Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. ²⁰ Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.
-1 John 4:16-19¹⁶ We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

Part 1 Perhaps?

I will probably write more later on but I wanted to get a few of my thoughts out before I went about my business for the day haha. I sound like an old person. What else is new?
         So anyways, yesterday as I was driving home for the weekend I was thinking about my life. Shocker right? I do some of my best thinking in my car. I think it's because I'm able to turn the worship music up and sing my heart out at the top of my lungs and then talk to God. And as I was talking, half out loud, half in my head, I started to make a little sense of what is going on right now. Little being the key word. I won't ever see the whole picture because I'm not God, but I think that He allowed me to see a few reasons for why I'm struggling right now. I think I'd better just number them off that way there is some semblance of order and it's just easier to read that way haha.
1.) He's teaching me to truly love others. With several people throughout this past year  I've had such a hard time letting go of what others have done to me. It may not have even been terrible things but because it hurt me, I held it against them. I think that we have to use discernment when it comes to our relationships with people but there comes a point when discernment can turn into cynicism and judging. And that's where I had been. It's incredibly hard to admit that, especially since my pride is screaming at me that what all of these people have done to me is wrong. However, look at how many hundreds of times a day I do the same thing to God. I hurt Him, I don't put Him first, I have a hard time trusting Him, I struggle with thinking that His way is best. And amazingly, holding onto the un-forgiveness makes me ten times more judgmental of myself, which is absolutely miserable because I'm a perfectionist anyway. Throw in un-forgiveness and you have a recipe for a depressed, bitter, cynical, hopeless Sarah. It was awful and still is, if I allow it to take hold of my mind. But! Now that I am (somewhat) aware of what is going on, I'm going to try that much harder to keep the mind of Christ. Which brings me to my next point.
2.) He's teaching me to trust Him NO MATTER WHAT! I think this must be a constant life lesson. It's kinda funny looking back on the last year and remembering when I could feel God or knowing when He was speaking to me and knowing that anytime I went to Him, I could receive a word from Him. I think this semester I have been trying to put Him in a box, make Him into a formula. I would tell myself that if I did everything just right, if I had just the right attitude, if I read all the right things, if I remembered all the right thoughts, then God would speak to me. And as is evidence by several of my previous blog posts, He's hard to find right now. And I've been wracking my brain, wondering why it is so hard to know that He's near, to sense His presence. And I think it is because of my emotions. I was so very emotional last semester but God knew that I needed Him and He made Himself real to me. This semester, I'm still quite emotional, though I would say not as much as before. But I think that He wants to teach me that no matter what I'm feeling, He's still there, still in control, still has a plan for my good, that no matter how I'm feeling my life still means something. But that's a post for another day :) I know the devil is trying to keep me from growing close to God by discouraging me. But he is not going to win. I've decided that no matter how I'm feeling, I'm still going to praise God. It's going to be a struggle and since I've decided to do that, things have gotten even harder (emotionally). But I'm not stopping until I have victory. The devil is not going to win. I was so concerned that I was doing something wrong. And maybe I am. But I trust that God will show me if I am. And in the meantime I'm still going to seek Him. I've been listening to a song by Hillsong called Desert Song. The lyrics are perfect.
Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Answer

Joseph spent AT LEAST 2 years in prison. In most people's eyes he wasn't doing anything, just having his life wasting away from him. Yet I think God used those years to build character in him and to prepare him. To humble him to be prepared to be a great leader. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I shouldn't feel like a failure just because life isn't going my way or doesn't seem "successful". God is preparing me. I have no idea what for but I shouldn't be discouraged. He is faithful. He's not going to give up on me if I truly want to live for Him. 

Question

Here is my biggest question. It's going to take a while to explain so the question will follow the explanation. Backwards, I know but whatever.
I am suffering, yes. But not in a way uncommon to most people in the world. And not in a way that is huge or terrible or anything like that. Indeed, I constantly find myself embarrassed and ashamed that such little things have such a big effect on me. I was just reading in Hebrews I think it was chapter 8 and then again in chapter 11. It talks about the faith of people before us and how though they didn't see much fulfillment of their promises, they still had faith that God would be faithful. And then later on in the chapter it talks about the people who were tortured and suffered for their faith and it also talks about our call to holiness. 


I guess my question is: why do I go through the things that I go through when it's not doing good for anyone? I mean, supposedly it's ultimately doing good for me, if I allow it to. But even as I type that it's a stretch for me to believe it, just because I feel as if I'm not making any progress at all. I feel like I'm wallowing and failing to be what God wants me to be. And to top it all off, I'm doing it alone. I thought that maybe if I were able to help anybody then it would be worth it. Like if what I'm going through could be an encouragement to others.  But I can't even help myself and there's no one else to help. I mean, maybe there is. There's always people to help. Everything I say feels lame or like an excuse. Maybe there's no hope for me...

Psalm 42

I'm probably going to post tomorrow but I just wanted to write in here a goal I have for this week. I was discussing some things with my sister last night and she encouraged me to start memorizing some verses concerning some strongholds that are in my life. Yes, I admit it. Finally. Even though I hate it. I have yet more strongholds in my life. Well, some of the same ones I have been dealing with for a while, they are just back and more obvious now. But I am determined that God will help me out of this. Not temporarily, but for good. So to start, I will be memorizing Psalm 42 (In the NLT) and Philippians 2:13-18 (In NKJ). I'm going to start tomorrow and by next Sunday night I should have them down :)

Wait on the Lord

Be Still

New Beginning

Ok, I have been absolutely terrible about keeping up with this blog. Actually, I shouldn't even say keeping up, as I haven't even written one post. I had originally intended to keep this as a recipe blog of sorts but obviously that fell through. I have never really felt the need to really write about my personal life on this blog just because I quite often journal by hand. I know, I'm probably old fashioned but I just love holding a journal and being able to fill a blank page with a story-cause that's what life is. A story. But I have found that in trying to keep up with my thoughts on paper, most often my hand can't keep up with how fast my brain thinks. And as I'm getting older, I forget things so easily :( I know, I know. I'm only 20. But the information and technology nowadays overloads my brain and makes it very difficult for me to keep a one track mind and remember the really important things I wish I could remember. Therefore, I resort to this blog, for the really important things I want to remember. I probably won't be as diligent in writing on it as I'm anticipating, but even if I can mark some important things to look over later, it will have served it's purpose. So, until then...