Yikes! It's been a whole week!
I was going to start out by apologizing for not keeping my commitment to write but it's not like anyone follows this so I guess it doesn't matter! Heh heh. Hmmm what to write about....You know what I keep having to learn? To go to God with how I'm really feeling. Not to get stuck on how I'm feeling, but to tell Him and surrender the feelings to Him. To realize He's ultimately in control and the best place to be is on His side, not fighting against His will for my life. I think one of the things that was messing with me was that I was telling Him how I felt, yet I did not tell Him what I want instead. I mean I've told Him what I want, but my attitude had been wrong. I came in pride, thinking that I could somehow force Him to be what I want. Which is miserable. But to just tell Him what's going on and then to accept whatever else comes along. That's the key. It's hard definitely. Sometimes it seems impossible. But acceptance (not indifferent acceptance), but loving surrender, purposeful laying down of our wants and desires and hopes at His feet is what I believe He delights in. And when I do that, it's amazing the peace that I feel. It's quite sad how I forget this simple thing so easily. But I pray that He will continually remind me.
Part 2
Ok let's just jump right into part 2. The Bible records three temptations that the devil used against Jesus. The first two involve him trying to get Jesus to prove that He is who He said He is. He starts off both temptations with "If You are the Son of God…do this". Which is exactly what I had been doing to God. I was doing exactly what Jesus reminded Satan that he wasn't supposed to be doing, i.e. "Putting the Lord My God to the test". I had been saying "If You are God… do this" or "If Your Word is really true, things should be different". Do you know how hard it is to swallow that you have been acting like Satan? I'll give you a hint: It starts with an H and ends with a HARD! But at the same time and in a weird way, it was somewhat relieving because it made me realize that God does not have to prove Himself to me in order for Him to still be God! So, even though it took my sin in order to bring me to the place of that realization, I'm so grateful that God did bring me there! Once I recognized all this that was going on, my eyes were opened to even more! There are so many parallels in this lesson to what has been going on in my life! It's crazy! Ok next thing. Like we already established, as the devil was tempting Jesus in these two situations, he was trying to make Him prove that He was the Son of God. The lesson says that he was trying to create doubts about God's voice, even though God had already said of Jesus, "This is my Son, whom I love, and with Him I am well pleased." And he's been doing the same thing to me! Even though God had seriously proven to me in the previous months that I'm His child, that He loves me, that He is pleased with me and still proves these things by being so gracious to me, Satan has been trying to create doubts in my mind about whether it's all really true! Crafty little joker. Anyways, Jesus responded the right way. I didn't. But now I know exactly what to do next time! I knew what to do before, but there's just something about having a tangible example of Jesus's response that gives me the enthusiasm to respond correctly. I'm going to do what Jesus did and respond with "It is written" (In other words, actually believe what the Bible says, no matter what and even if things don't make sense to me.) "God has promised us and His Words are final and sufficient."
Satan's second temptation is typical of what he does to me on a regular basis. He used the Word to try to prove his point. He quoted scripture! He does that to me so often! He'll take a little bit of truth and twist it just enough or present it out of context to where it contradicts what God actually intended but still keeps enough truth in it to fool me. He is so manipulative. Praise God that He showed me (yet again) the error of my ways and the lies that the devil was telling me.
I know it was long but I learned so much from this portion of scripture and from this web lesson. I love when I've been waiting for an answer to something and God finally allows me to see some sense in it all. I'm not sure all the reasons why these dry, desert-like times are necessary, but if this is what it takes to prove to God that I'll love Him and be faithful to Him, then I'm willing to go through it.
I'm being a little devil :/
So last night as I was crying before God I came across Psalm 42. It felt like something I could have written at the very moment. David speaks of longing for God, thirsting for Him, having tears flood his eyes day and night while the enemy asks where God is, remembering how things used to be, how worship used to be so wonderful and joyful, wondering why His heart is so sad, yet still knowing that God is Savior. I could go on and on but then I'd basically just be writing the whole thing out. Long story short, it was exactly how I felt. So I just told God that it's gotten to the point where I almost dread having Bible time because the disappointment of not hearing Him speak to my heart is almost too much. I know that His Word never returns void. But lately it's just dry. I mean, occasionally what His word says leaps off the page, but mostly it's just words to me. I hate to even write that. It sounds so irreverent and... wrong. But it's what has been going on. It felt good to just be honest about it instead of wishing I wasn't as faithless as I am.So anyways this morning I was having my quiet time and I came across a section that spoke about how Jesus was tempted in every way that we are yet He was without sin. He had the opportunity to react just like I do in every situation, yet He never responded badly. He knows the feelings that I'm going through, He experienced them. So then that got me to thinking. What is a situation that Christ went through that's similar to mine? (Obviously it can only be somewhat similar, as He and I led quite different lives haha) And I immediately thought of the time He went through the desert for 40 days and nights and was tempted by the devil. And you know, I've never really thought about it before until today but what exactly was He doing out there for 40 days?? And what is the deeper meaning to the devil tempting Jesus besides the obvious wanting Him to sin or wanting Jesus to worship him. Now I was curious. Naturally, I did what I always do when I'm curious. I googled. And I found a golden nugget. I'll post the link at the bottom of the page. The website is dedicated to free Bible study lessons. Guess I hit the jackpot. So antyways, I clicked the link and lo and behold, the first question was "Why did the Holy Spirit lead Jesus into the Wilderness?" The most common answer and one that they had written was that He was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted or tested by the devil. (Now, obviously my situation ain't as bad as Jesus's. Last time I checked, I'm not in the Israelite desert starving cause I haven't eaten in 40 days and coming face to face with the devil, but you get the picture. I feel as if this is a spiritual desert or wilderness time in my life.) The writers of this study compared the Israelites 40 year wilderness experience to that of Jesus's 40 day experience, which I thought was quite clever, especially in light of the points that they make. They quoted Deuteronomy 8:2-3: Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD". Ouch. When I read that it dawned on me, even though I've thought about this before, I really feel as if I'm going through this time because God wants to see if I'll be faithful to Him, even when His will isn't what I want it to be, even when I can't hear Him speaking to my heart or feel Him. He has caused me to (spiritually) hunger, and then fed me with just enough to get by until I hear from Him again. It doesn't really make a whole lotta sense to me, but He's God. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. Ya know, I could be way off theologically on all of this, but I just really think that this is what He's showing me.
So back to the lesson. The next point that the writers make is that in both the cases of Jesus and the Israelites, they had both "just experienced God's power and favor. Jesus experienced God's favor at His baptism and the Israelites had just seen the most powerful manifestation of God's power at work at the Red Sea." (Not to mention they had just been delivered from hundreds of years of slavery in Egypt). And right after all that happened, they end up in the wilderness! Once again, I feel like this exact same thing happened to me! Well, not exact, but you know what I mean. I experienced God in ways I couldn't even imagine last semester and I really knew that His favor was on me and I was growing and I was just so close to Him. I can't really even describe it. Over the Summer, I started to drift a little but anytime I would seriously focus and have quiet time with Him, I would hear Him speak. I looked forward to this Fall semester because I figured it would be the same as last Spring. I would have the time to focus on Him and He would really speak to me and I would grow and I would love Him more and me and Him would just be tight... But that's not what happened. I would seek Him and try to find Him, yet almost every time I tried, He was nowhere to be found. Now, I know the Bible says He will never leave me or forsake me. I get that. But as far as hearing His voice, having Him speak to my heart, having the knowledge of His love overwhelm me like it did before, well, none of it happened. And I kept waiting for things to change but nothing happened. I would wrack my brain, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, even convincing myself (for a day or so) that I wasn't doing anything wrong that this was just a hard time. But when the hard time didn't let up, I began to get frustrated. And frustration turned to anger. I was so mad at Him. I didn't want to be. I was so frustrated I didn't know how to react except to lash out in anger, accusing Him of not being who He said He is. I didn't understand why the Bible would say "You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all of your heart" when I was seeking Him as hard as I knew how and I still couldn't find Him. So after sulking and being mad for a couple of days I finally just gave up. I didn't give up on Him, but I gave up on trying to make sense of any of it. I didn't know what to believe and I honestly didn't want to try to figure anything out anymore because all my attempts to do so had ended in disappointment. I realized that nothing I can do can make God answer me. I just have to wait for Him. So I've been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Which brings me back to the lesson. Jesus's response and the Israelites response were very different. The Israelites complained and questioned God and it almost seems like they were mocking Him. Kind of like what I was doing... :( But Jesus, instead of questioning why the Holy Spirit had led Him into the wilderness, fasted and prayed. For 40 days! The lesson notes that fasting is helpful because it takes the emphasis off the flesh and focuses our mind on the spiritual. (Funny how off and on I had been convicted of getting on facebook waaay too much. Fast from Facebook started today.) I'm just going to paste the whole quote that they use on here because it's a good one.
We all go through wilderness experiences in our Christian walk. It can be very exhausting and draining. It deprives us of all the comforts that we may usually enjoy. It tests the deepest secrets and convictions of our heart to test what lies in our heart. We may have just gone through the greatest high of our walk with God. Next, we find ourselves in the spiritual turmoil or wilderness. During these times of testing, we need to put our complete trust in the Lord.
Ok so this is a really long blog post and I don't even think that I'm halfway through. So I'll stop for now and write more later!
Day... ?
I still don't "feel" God, but that doesn't mean He's not there. His presence with us is a promise, regardless of what we feel.
I had been struggling with not receiving answers from Him and not hearing Him because I kept thinking of all the verses that say to call on God and He will answer you. I was becoming so frustrated because I kept calling yet I couldn't make out an answer. Then it finally dawned on me. It doesn't say "Call on me and I'll answer you right away". It says "Call on me and I will answer you". God's timing is not my own but it IS perfect. I have to believe that even though it feels like I'll never feel that intimacy with Him again, there's a reason and He knows best. I walk by faith and not by sight. It's so difficult sometimes, but someday, somehow, it'll be worth it. That's what the Bible says. It also says to wait on the Lord and be of good courage. I have not been of good courage. I've been of crappy courage. Or no courage at all. I got so angry at Him. Several times. I still don't understand why He feels so distant but I don't want to get angry at Him anymore. I always feel terrible afterward. He gave everything for me and He does so much for me and yet I'm never grateful. I do confess I'd rather feel close to Him then receive a lot of the material blessings, but once again, He knows best. For all I know this is a time of testing, of proving whether my faith is really genuine or not. Or maybe the devil is trying to get me to fall. I honestly do not know. But I do know that I'm not giving up! I can't! The Bible says "You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart". I want to find Him so badly. I want Him to speak to my heart, not just my head. But it is up to Him. I do need to ask Him if there is anything hindering Him from speaking to my heart. That's going to be my objective in the next day. Ask Him if there is anything that I need out of my life that is hindering Him from reaching my heart and making Himself number one. Until next time...
God is able
This morning I woke up early, took a shower, fixed myself a bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal, a cup of coffee, and sat down to read The Word. I reread Psalm 3 because I always need constant reminders of what God has said to me. I'm like that in pretty much all areas of life. I need reassurance. I guess that means I'm a Words of Affirmation kinda person (though I do have tendencies to all of the other love languages as well haha). Anyways, I was still encouraged by what Psalm 3 had to say. I also read Psalm 4 and Psalm 34. I'll be honest, I'm having to refresh myself on what they said because I can't remember exactly. I did write down several of the verses on a notecard though and carried it with me to church lol. Psalm 4:5 says "Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust the Lord. " I thought that verse was pretty relevant, seeing as how I had been so concerned with wanting to DO for God, or in other words, sacrifice, but what He wants is for me to trust Him. I also wrote down Psalm 34: 4,9,17-19,22. It's quite a few verses but the gist of it is that God will hear me, He'll deliver me from my fears, if I fear Him I won't need anything. I love verse 18, which says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I didn't want to admit that this situation crushed me and broke my heart but it did. Once again, I'm not sure why I'm so sensitive or why things affect me so deeply the way that they do but I can't change it. I've tried but it's just not who I am. God must have made me this way for a reason. I loved verse 22 which says, "The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned." The devil has been trying to condemn me. Not to hell, because he knows that I'm already saved forever from that. But he's doing the next best thing. Trying to condemn me in my relationship with Christ. Trying to prevent me from experiencing the abundant life that Jesus has for me. But there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." This includes getting through this valley of hurt and disillusionment. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ in me. If Christ lives in me, I am more than a conqueror. I have the power of God Almighty living inside of me. Of course I can overcome this. But it is going to take time for Him to work and to heal me and make me whole. I guess that's the whole theme of this 30 days. To come to wholeness in Jesus Christ. That is my prayer. I know God is able.
...
So, this morning I wasn't able to have a long Bible time like I would have liked to. I started but then several things came up. However, I did come across a few verses that I felt very encouraged by.I've started so many things in my life only to quit or tried to change certain things about myself only to fail. Once this happens it is very difficult to ever want to try again because not trying is better than failing. Or so it would seem. And the devil has just been screaming at me that nothing will ever get better, that I'll always be a failure, that nobody will ever want me, that I should be scared of life and of being a failure. And then I came across Psalm 3:2-4 today. If I would have been alone I probably would have started crying (I tend to do that when I feel the Lord speaking to me). Anyway the verses say,
2 Many are saying of my soul,
“There is no deliverance for him in God.” Selah.
3 But You, O LORD, are a shield about me,
My glory, and the One who lifts my head.
4 I was crying to the LORD with my voice,
And He answered me from His holy mountain.
I felt (and this is just to paraphrase what I felt in my spirit) that God was saying Sarah, you have all these voices telling you that you can't be better, that you will never overcome the things you are struggling with, that you have to be afraid and you have to be in bondage, that your soul always has to be in torment. But look, I am a shield about you, I am your glory, and the One who lifts your face to look at Me. I WILL DELIVER YOU. I AM YOUR SALVATION. I'll be honest, I have no idea how He is going to do it. I have no idea how I will ever gain confidence and lose the anxiety that I have all the time. But I have to believe that God is willing and able to save me, to lead me to satisfaction, to love me, to never give up on me, and to deliver me! The future doesn't look very bright to me, but I'm going to choose to look past what I think or feel and trust that God will do good to and for me. The last verse of Psalm 3 gives me hope."Victory comes from you, O Lord. May you bless your people."
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