True Story
So I was going to write last week about something really cool I experienced but I just got really busy and I couldn't focus enough to write it. Here goes...
About two weeks ago I was really struggling with some pretty serious issues. I'm not going to give the details because it's personal, but they are issues that have a pretty significant effect on anyone who thinks about them. So I was really wrestling with God over them and all the while I was wrestling them, I was also wrestling other things that I didn't even realize I was wrestling with. (Do you think I used the word wrestling enough in that sentence?)
I kept trying to get in the Word and find some answers but it just seemed like there was no relief or answers for the restlessness in my spirit and mind. I sought counsel on the matter because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and thankfully, the individuals that I spoke with didn't actually give me the answers to my questions, because they knew that unless God Himself revealed them to me, I would still doubt and wonder if it was true. I'm very grateful for their wisdom in that matter. So I took their advice and kept trying to seek God. I still didn't get any answers. I kept trying to "put on a good face" and "just trust God" but you know, God knows when we're not trusting Him, even if we won't admit it. I think that's probably the biggest problem with distrust. We won't admit it.
There's that phrase that says, "The first step to recovery is admitting the problem". Over and over again I have found this true of my spiritual life. You see, I'm one of those people who tends to run from my feelings. I run because I'm fearful of them. I run because they are overwhelming to me. I do what I can to avoid them, without being fully aware that I'm avoiding them. My whole life, as far back as I can remember, I've always had this voice telling me that I can't do it. That whatever the task is at hand, I will give up, I won't succeed, I won't follow through. And because, for the majority of my life I listened to the voice, I now find it hard not to believe it. That's why I avoid almost anything that involves commitment. Because I'm afraid of failing. Because I see failure as a pattern in my life. But that's a post for another day…
It's relevant to this post because it's how my relationship with God is sometimes defined. Me, constantly running, afraid of being let down, disappointed, or failing. But you know what the crazy thing is? God never lets me down. Sometimes I think He does, because I don't get an answer right away, or I don't see a result like I thought I would. But that doesn't mean He's let me down or failed to keep His promises. Also a post for another day. Sorry I keep getting off track.
So in the midst of all these tumultuous thoughts, I went home during my lunch break earlier last week to take a shower because I had woken up late and didn't have time to get one that morning. So I was in there talking to God, getting frustrated that He wouldn't give me some relief, not admitting what was in my heart of hearts. My mind kept jumping from one thing to the next, going around in circles, never finding any answers. For some reason, a particular ministry had come to my mind several times over the last few weeks and while I was in the shower it came to me again. It was something which I didn't want to be a part of at all really, as terrible as that sounds. But I got so desperate to please God, so desperate to do His will for my life, so desperate for the unrest to stop, that I finally just said the words, "FINE! I'll go if You want me to go!". And I cannot even explain what happened. I may have experienced a feeling like that only once or twice in my life. It was like my mind finally rested.
If I were to explain it visually, I would say, picture a stick figure that represents my brain. Now imagine it running around in circles, in one direction, then in the opposite direction, then running in straight lines back and forth, from idea to idea, from question to unanswered question, then running back in the circles. But when I said those words to God, really meaning them this time, it was as if my brain just sat down. I couldn't think of any more questions or problems. It was like I didn't need to anymore. It was like God said, "Ok, that's what I was waiting for." Even though I had just surrendered to doing something that I, in my flesh, don't want to do at all, I was peaceful. And I started actually wanting to do the very thing I was dreading. But the story doesn't stop there.
I got out of the shower and while I was eating lunch I decided to read in Psalms. It was very encouraging and applicable. But it gets better. Sometimes when I read scripture that really helps or encourages me, I write it out on notecards and carry it with me throughout the day so that I can constantly be reminded of it. Usually my mom keeps blank notecards by the computer but on this day there wasn't any, so I was looking around for some and came across several that my mom had already written on. Me, being the curious person that I am, started to read through them. They were pretty interesting. Then about the fourth one I read really caught my attention. It was the beginning of a chapter out of Galatians. So, I looked it up in the NLT and it was addressing the very issue I had been struggling with all week. Not only was it addressing it, but it was explaining in detail all the questions I had about said issue and the answers regarding that issue. God is the coolest. He may not answer right away, but He is always faithful.
"'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
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Hummmmm. I have been dealing with something that I totally don't want to be involved in. Thanks for writing what God laid on your heart.
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