Streams in a Wasteland

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Rather than waste the first few lines of this blog with formalities about how I should have written sooner, etc. I'll just get right into it. Although I'm not exactly sure what "it" is going to be about. I've been thinking on sooo much lately and I've learned a lot over the past several weeks. However, I'm still struggling. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not be struggling with something. I know we are all called to "fight the good fight" and "run our race" and "partake in the sufferings of Christ", which is fine. I'm glad in a sense that I struggle because it's a bit of confirmation that I am saved. "Whom the Lord loves, He disciplines." However, it does not make the struggling easier to go through.

I found a quote that I had posted a while ago onto my facebook and it perfectly sums up my life right now.

‎"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)


I like for things to make sense. In fact, I cannot stand it when things don't make sense (although, I am learning to get better about that). And up until a few months ago, life made sense. Sure it was hard. But I knew that what God was doing needed to be done. I just hated that it had to be done in the way that it was done. However, now, I have no idea what He is up to. Well, actually that's a lie. I have a vague inclination. But that's about it. I know He has to be building my faith, because that is one of the things I've been praying for for the past several weeks. But I know there is much more happening than that. And though it was hard and will be hard, I'm looking forward to what it is He is doing. I just wish I always had a good attitude about it. I don't. In fact, the other day I was so frustrated that I had the worst attitude ever and later on in the day after I had pitched my fit, I was so embarrassed. I know I probably shouldn't be embarrassed in front of God but I was. I hate that I am so faithless and that I couldn't just calm down and trust Him. It seems like I wait and wait and wait for Him to do something or speak or anything and when it doesn't happen after a long while, I get so upset that I blow up. And then after I calm down, then He speaks to me. I don't understand why He lets me get to that point. Why doesn't He help before I fall apart? I don't know if I'll ever have the answer but maybe one day He'll show me. 


Oh! Guess what?? I'm going on a mission trip! I'll have to defer the story of how it came about to another time because at present I am tired and it's a long story. But I will be going to an orphanage in Honduras that my church helps sponsor. I know God is going to use it. I'm looking forward to it. 


So anyways I have a feeling in a little bit I'm going to start not making any sense so I'll go ahead and sign out. Goodnight!