Streams in a Wasteland

Christmas 2014

As each Christmas goes by without my dad, I feel differently. This year, though not as hard as previous years, felt a bit empty. I've searched for words to describe it but all I can come up with is a picture in my head. I keep picturing a string, holding something together, tying it all together. And then the string is gone. And everything sort of scatters, or unravels. That's how I felt this Christmas. Like the cord that holds me and my family closely together is gone. I do not say this to mean my family is not close or together. We are. But there is a missing piece. I know that the ultimate cord is in fact, The Lord, and that Christmas is a picture of that. Jesus coming to earth to essentially "hold us together". I know these truths. But that does not dismiss the feelings. So, I guess the point in writing this is three fold:
1.  To get it all out. Life is full of deceptive perceived perfection. I would like people to know that no ones lives are perfect and almost everyone you encounter is struggling with something, no matter how put together they seem on the outside. Do not be discouraged that you don't feel those warm and fuzzies every minute of the season. Most people don't.
2. To express thanks to those who consistently, lovingly pray for my family each year, especially during the hardest days. You all have no idea what it means to still be remembered. You are a picture of Jesus to me.
3. To remind myself and whoever may read this that, though our emotions may deafen our ears with the message that reality is one way, those feelings cannot be relied upon. The older I grow the more it becomes evident to me that the heart is indeed "deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?". We must identify those emotions, admit they are there. And then we must find the truth. And the truth really does exist. It's not subjective. It's real, concrete, never changing. And the truth is that God can know the heart. He searches it and knows it. And He loves us. Before we ever loved Him, He loved us. So, though that truth seems like a whisper in the roar of lies, we have to hold to it. We have to focus on it until it drowns out all the other noise. The truth is, God so loved the world that He gave His only son. And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him...

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh how he loves,
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us so.

What's Up

I hope I remember how to write. It's been so long since I have.

It's been almost 11 months since I've written last. Several things have changed since then.

• I'm no longer an employee at Lifeway.

• I'm dating someone I met at Lifeway.

• I'm working at a new salon.

• I moved on my own into an apartment of sorts.

• I've gained a friend that I know I will have for life. 

• One of my friends got married. 

• I've grown even closer to my small group. 

• I do the music in the children's Powerhouse program at church. 

• I've experienced God's grace and steady love in a new way. Before, I was looking for them, and I thought because I was trying to be a good Christian and do everything I possibly could for Him, He bestowed them on me. But it's been this year, when I've been less than diligent, when I've really, really messed up, that He's still shown undeserving love. I'll go into detail more later. For now, it's good to be back.