Streams in a Wasteland

See you at the Dome!

Then Joshua said to the people, “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.” Joshua 3:5 

Tomorrow I will be driving up to Atlanta Georgia to attend the Passion Conferences of 2013. I can't even describe the feeling of anticipation that I have. It's more than excitement. It's an urgent expectancy, waiting for God to show me "great and wonderful things which I do not know". I absolutely cannot wait for what the Lord is going to show me! And not just show me, but work in me. These past few months, and especially weeks, have been a sort of slow season for me. I haven't quite known what to make of it. Part of me thinks it's because I'm not trying hard enough to learn new things... but then part of me feels that this is God's hand on my life, keeping me calm and still before a flood of true heart change. I know that each day we have the opportunity to grow close to Him, everyday we need to be putting His Word into action. This is where the true fruit is produced... But it starts with a seed. A seed planted in a heart, watered and given light. And I feel that that is what Passion is going to be for me. The start of a new work. A heart work. I may not need to change my direction, I may need to. Only God knows. But I do know that He always wants to do a work in my heart. And I love that about Him. I know that He honors faithfulness and a pure heart. And I believe that most of the people in charge of Passion possess pure hearts, hearts that burn for Him. So I just know that with an event like this, that has been so prayed over, brought before the throne room constantly, I just know that He will use it. He is faithful. I'm so incredibly grateful to Him for raising up leaders who care enough to do whatever it takes to reach my generation and show them what it means to be a Christ follower. I want to have that kind of zeal for the Lord and for reaching other people. 
Whoever may be reading this, please pray for myself and all of us going to Passion 2013. Pray that God would teach us what it means to be a true Christ follower, one that never gives up, and one that will strive to be more like Him every day of our lives. 
Pray that He would fan the flame of desire for Him and desire to be more like Him, to know Him more, to be a light in the darkness, to be a city on a hill, burning brightly, not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God, unto salvation, to everyone who believes. 

See you at the Dome!!

Pray for Newtown

Normally I try to stray away from things that are trending at the moment, but I think that it would do to devote a post in honor of the people that were so closely effected by the events that transpired in Connecticut this weekend. I confess, I haven't allowed myself to really put myself in their shoes because I know if I did, I would be in hysterics. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing, who knows? When I first heard the news, my reaction wasn't like most of the people's that I knew. I didn't cry. It didn't really seem real to me. Which sounds really harsh, but honestly I just didn't feel anything about it. My logical mind knew it was an extremely tragic event, but my feelings just weren't affected. Until a few days ago, for whatever reason. Maybe it just takes me a long time to process feelings. I'm not sure.

Anyways, until a few days ago I felt unusual praying for them, because it seemed so unreal. I prayed for the usual things, comfort, sense of God's presence, etc., but all of Friday I felt like there was something else that I should be praying for. It wasn't until Saturday afternoon as I was driving around (I tend to get epiphanies in the car for some reason) that I thought about what we had just finished studying in my College and Career small group. We just finished Genesis, and the end of Genesis looks at the life of Joseph. Joseph had a lot of horrible things happen to him. He was sold into slavery by his own brothers, worked his way up to an honorable position in a man of great power's home, then was thrown into jail for something he didn't do and stayed there for many years. Eventually God brought him out and he was able to save the nation of Egypt and many surrounding nations, as well as experience restoration between himself, his brothers, and the rest of his family. At the very end of Genesis he says something so profound. He says, "What you meant for evil, God meant for good". Simple words, yet in them is so much life. And it dawned on me as I was driving that this is what I needed to pray for in this situation. This was obviously an evil thing that happened. The man who did it meant it for evil. Satan meant it for evil. But God is bigger than both of them. God was never out of control. God can take this situation, that was meant to destroy people, and actually reverse it, to turn others toward Him and to offer life and hope. The Devil's biggest goal is to hurt God and draw people away from Him and His truth. But even in spite of that horrible, devastating event, the Devil does not have to win! God will always bring something good out of something terrible when it involves a child of His. I'm not saying this thing that happened is good. But I'm saying God can redeem the situation to bring good about. So, I challenge you, while you pray for comfort for these families, also pray that God would bring good out of this situation. I'll be doing the same.

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. So therefore, do not be afraid..." Genesis 50:20-21a

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I think God knows that sometimes I have a really hard time dealing with my emotions and feelings surrounding my life, so He allows crazy things to happen to shake me up, to where I don't really have much of a choice except to let everything out. I know it's all part of healing, but it's difficult to face and feel the sad stuff...

I love the wording of this translation. It's Young's Literal Translation.

"Near is Jehovah to the broken of heart, and the bruised of spirit He saveth." Psalm 34:18

A bruised spirit is good wording. Sometimes that's just how it feels. Tender and sore, and if anything or anyone presses on it, it hurts. Sometimes people cause the bruises. Sometimes life happening cause the bruises. It's there and won't go away for a while. Yet, God is nearest to those who have them, He saves them. Sometimes the best comfort is being hurt and having Jesus there to hold you...

Good Grief

22

This post may be a little late in coming but better late than never. Since I recently had a birthday, I wanted to dedicate a blog post to things I've learned in the past year about life and myself. It may be a little jumbled, because some of the things I've learned are things I've been learning for not only the past year, but the past several years. So if you're reading this, please bear with me.

Biggest Lessons Learned
I've learned so much about perseverance. This has been one of those ongoing, year to year lessons, but I've especially learned a lot about it in school this year. Sticking with something even though you hate it, even though every day is a struggle to get out of bed and go, and not just go, but to have a good attitude, because you know in the end, it will get you to where you need to be. I'm not finished with school yet, but I feel like now it is a little easier. And I'm stronger for it, because I've done stuff that I haven't felt like doing at all. I guess you could say I've developed a little more discipline. A little.

I've also learned a little more about taking advantage of opportunities I'm given. And I don't mean the big, once in a lifetime opportunities that we tend to focus on, although those are super important too. I mean the little things every day that give me the chance to really live and appreciate life. To quit waiting for something "better" to come along and to seize what has already been given to me. Getting out of my comfort zone, or my "zoned out" zone, and waking up! Quit waiting for life to get better and start making it better. Not like a control freak, but like someone who has a purpose for living. Because if I'm are still alive, there's a reason. This is a lesson I'm praying that God will keep showing me more about and keep working on my heart to change to be more "in the moment".

Biggest Achievement
I think my biggest achievement and the one I'm the happiest about, although it may not seem like that big of a deal, is that I grew as a musician. Being in a praise band really stretched me to be able to learn how to play with others and it was so fun! At the beginning, I couldn't read hardly any chords. Now, I can play pretty much any chord and I've learned how to add more and be a bit more creative :) (This is still an area that I would love to grow much more in though.)
Another achievement that I'm pretty proud of is that I ran my first 10k race. I wasn't able to run the whole thing through, but I did run almost all of it, and going from a girl who 2 years ago couldn't even run a mile to running 6.2, it's kind of a big deal to me, so I'm pretty proud of it.

Biggest Regret
My biggest regret would be anytime I wasted opportunities for growth or just coasted through days. I also regret not being passionate enough about myself, my purpose, and my work, enough to put in the effort it takes to be great. Being in New York this weekend inspired me to take pride in myself and what I do, and not to compare myself to others, but to do what I do because I believe in it. This goes for all aspects of my life.

Biggest Goals For the Next Year
1. To wake up everyday with renewed purpose. This mindset will have to be from God, and so I want to start out every day remembering that it's from Him, and if I'm still alive, He wants to use me. If I believe that, then I will set time aside to spend with Him and grow in Him. I want to be completely faithful and not waste any time.
2. To grow in my profession and image. I want to be passionate about what I do and I want to be excellent at it. This takes time, effort, diligence, and patience, all of which I have a hard time with. But I want to start viewing them as opportunities to make myself better and to be more successful, not for anyone else, but for me.
3. To truly love people. Self-explanatory. I want to have an endless love for others, the way that Christ does, and I want to be brave enough and humble enough to act on it.
4. To know God, to love Him with all of my heart,  and to live in the power of His Spirit every single day. I don't want to waste anything He's given. I want Him to be everything.


So these are my reflections and goals. Sometimes when I look back at my life it feels like I haven't accomplished anything. I turned 22 last week, and I feel that I don't have much to show for it. However, God has done much in me and I want Him to do so much more. I'm looking forward to what He has next, whatever it may be. And I need you all to hold me accountable. If you don't mind, check on me every now and again, ask me if I'm living each day with renewed purpose. I would really appreciate it :)

"We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are..."

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it on my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

My post today will probably be quite short and it will have no trace of intelligence or lessons learned. I just felt like talking. Is it weird to say talking since I'm actually typing? Whatevs...

Anyways, so I've been pretty sick for the past two days, which is super annoying because it's a sinus infection. I HATE sinus infections. Truth be told, I would rather have the flu. No, I'm not exaggerating. I would rather be vomiting my guts up than to walk around with no voice, head feeling like it weighs fifty pounds, and chest congestion. The chest congestion is the worst, because not only does it feel like something is pressing down on you constantly, it produces this uncontrollable, totally useless cough. And no sooner are you done coughing then you need to cough again, not to clear your throat, but because if you don't, you will choke. Yeah, I'm probably complaining now, but it's all good.
I was just observing to myself that when I get sick like this, it seems like I will never get better. Which is ridiculous because I always eventually get better, but it seriously never fails to make me feel like I'll always be sick. And every time I develop a sinus infection I always say, "I will never eat so poorly or treat my body so terribly again!". And the sickness waits until I've just forgotten that, and then BAM! It pops up again. So here I am, wallowing in self-pity because I hate being sick. How's your life? :)

I saw Skyfall tonight. It was very well done, but to me, all the James Bond movies are exactly the same. And I don't mean to be a kill joy, because I do love the action, but I get so put off by how they portray this guy. Like he's the end all, be all, the epitome of what a successful, awesome man is. Yet, he is constantly using women. And I'm not saying the women aren't the same way. They allow themselves to be used. But I guess because I'm a woman, I see the deeper side of why they let themselves be used. And I know it's just a movie. But the older I get, the more I see the same effects of all this stuff in real life. And it's so very sad to me. My idea of an awesome man is not someone who can fight and kill and seduce any woman he wants. I just don't get the appeal. I mean, I do. But, it's so useless to me. It doesn't work. All it produces is baggage, mistrust, and bitterness. They never show that in the movies though...

Anyways, sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. On the bright side, I'm leaving for New York City this week. I haven't even begun to pack :/ Kind of dreading that, actually. It's going to be fun and it's a really cool story how God provided for that. I'll have to write about it soon.

Well, I took some Nyquil a little while ago and now my brain is acting even more slowly than it usually does and my words are starting to run together so I will say goodnight. Goodnight! :)

Word

Audacious Faith

You want me to let you in on a little secret? I've started like, 3 blog posts over the past 3 weeks, yet I couldn't seem to organize any of them in a concise way. This one included. So this will probably be pretty random and not very well structured.

So anyways, I like that word-audacious. It's the type of faith I really, really want, but don't seem to possess. Yet. The faith I do have, the faith that usually feels even smaller than that of a mustard seed, gives me hope that maybe one day I'll have faith that is completely unexplainable. I can tell that God is working on me though and it's pretty awesome to see. Let me tell you a little bit about it.

For probably the past year, my recurring prayer has been that God would build my faith. It's always been really lacking and I got so tired of it, so I kept asking (and keep asking) Him to do whatever it takes to build it up. I knew if I asked this that God wouldn't just zap me and say, "Have ye faith!" and I would have faith. I knew that if I asked Him this thing, that He would probably give me opportunities to exercise faith. I guess it's kind of like a muscle. The less you use it, the more useless it becomes. But the more you use it, the stronger it becomes, the more you are able to do with it. So I've had various opportunities to have faith in God. Some opportunities I failed, some I succeeded. But I had somewhat of a revelation last week.

The women's Bible study that I'm involved in has been studying about believing God. Not just believing in Him, but believing Him. So two weeks ago the session that we had was somewhat random but the thing that I took from it was that I was going to start asking God for big things. I'm sure you're thinking, "BFD, everyone asks for stuff from God", and you would be right. But whenever I ask God for big things, and they don't happen immediately, I assume God is irritated that I dared ask that and I had better stop. But our Bible study teacher presented it in the light of a little child asking something really crazy and big of parent. Something so ridiculous and audacious, that the parent gets so tickled about it that they can't stop laughing. They get a kick out of the kid, that he thinks his parent could do something so outrageous. And the Bible study teacher suggested that God could very well be like that. When we ask for something outrageous, instead of being irritated, He may be thinking, "You know, I can't give you that because it wouldn't turn out the best way, but that's pretty awesome that you think enough of Me to ask for something like that." And it just really gave me the courage to start praying for big things and expecting God to answer. He won't always give me the big things I ask for, but it's better to ask and get a no, then to live my whole life afraid to ask anything of Him and therefore not seeing any results.

So, through a series of events that led me to some pretty exciting prospects about the future, I started asking God for big things last week. And the cool thing is that He keeps affirming to me over and over again that He can do it. He might not, but then again, He might! And just because He may not give me the specific thing I asked for, that doesn't mean that He doesn't have something just as big, just different. But how will I know if I don't ask? "For without faith it is impossible to believe God, for anyone who comes to Him must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him". I want to be rewarded for my faith, but this verse has caused me all kinds of inner turmoil throughout my life. Wanna know why? Because most times, I have many, many doubts. And I used to think (and by 'used to', I mean since like last week) that if I had doubts, I didn't have faith. But God revealed to me that faith is not the absence of doubt! It's the pressing on despite the doubts and keeping the faith. This realization has opened up so much of God to me, because I realized I don't have to feel like I believe 100% in order to still believe! Like the centurion, I can say "I do believe! But please God, help my unbelief." I can still please God by my faith, even though doubt is still present. And as He reveals more about Himself, I'm hoping that less and less unbelief will be present, and more and more faith will grow. Incidentally, I would be a very happy camper if God took away my doubts. But even if He doesn't, I'll still believe. I want to be able to say at the end of my life, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

So, I say all of that to say, God is building my faith! Just like I asked Him too! It's hard, it's not glamorous by any means at all, and if I weren't paying attention it would be so easy to miss! I'm sure there are parts of it that I do miss. But it's so awesome to see God keep His word and stay faithful. He's really awesome.

"DO NOT fear, for I AM WITH YOU. DO NOT anxiously look about you, for I AM YOUR GOD. I WILL strengthen you, SURELY I WILL help you, SURELY I WILL uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

My Sentiments Exactly

A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side 
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask why this road?
Why this way and this load? 
Tell me how far I must go
'Til I see 
'Til I know why this road

A million miles away from anything familliar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured 'cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed 
Since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me 
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times

When I ask why this road?
Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road

From here I cannot see why You'd choose this path for me 
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why

You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road

Faith Like Abraham

We've been studying Genesis in my College and Career small group and I've only been able to join in on about three of the meetings in the past two months because of school but it's amazing what God has reminded me of even in those few meetings.

The last time we met, a phrase that Dan mentioned has stuck with me ever since that night and it has been something that has helped me through a lot of really tough decisions and feelings lately. We were talking about how Abraham had the audacity to ask God about the things that were on his mind, really tough issues. And when he asked, what he always had to come back to is this: "Is God faithful or isn't He?" That's a question I've been asking myself for two or three weeks. It really puts things into perspective because isn't that what most things boil down to in our walk with Christ? Will we do what God has asked us to or not? Is there a purpose for it or not? Does He have a plan or not? Is He faithful or not? And I don't know, it's just really made me realize that all of the things I become so fixated on, the things that keep me from having mountain moving faith and more importantly, faith that pleases God, all come down to one concern: What if God really isn't faithful? I usually don't form it that clearly in my mind, but that's truly the root of it all. Is the Holy Spirit working inside of me or isn't He? Will God lead my path or won't He? Is He true to His word or isn't He? So, next time I feel God asking or telling me to do something, or even doubting what He's already told me, I can go to that concept. Is God faithful or isn't He?

The second thing that has really touched me is the story of the sacrifice of Isaac. That story never, ever fails to strike a nerve deep within my soul and emotions. It's because of a few monumental decisions I've had to make at times in my life where I've had to, in the words of David Crowder, "Lift the knife to the thing I love most". Only in my case, a replacement sacrifice never came. I actually did have to put "the thing" to death. (Not that the things that I've had to sacrifice are anywhere near having to sacrifice a son. That's not the point I'm trying to make. The point is that, sometimes you just have to put "the thing" to death.) And each time I am called to do it, it's extremely hard and painful. But I know God has promised me a future and a hope. I know He has promised to work all things out for the good of those who love Him. I know He that He will complete the good work that He began in me long ago. He has to. He has said He would. It's in these seasons of life that I know God must be building my faith. I can either view it as just another problem or difficult season of life, or I can be grateful that God is answering the prayer I've been praying for months-that He would build my faith! And you want to know something? I just figured that out as I was typing it! lol I love writing. You figure so much out by doing it. Seriously though, if you read my journal, you could see that over the course of the last few months my recurring prayer was that God would build my faith. Well, I'm looking forward to what He is going to build in me in this season. I know it's going to get harder before it gets easier, and I'll probably cry more and complain some but I know God won't leave me there. After all, is He faithful or isn't it He?

Hope

I know I'm always talking about the hard times and struggles I'm going through. I'm sure that probably gets old to anyone who reads this, but we all go through hard times. If you're not, than I would doubt that you are actually living lol. Anyways, sometimes when I am having a hard time, I look through some of my old journals. Sometimes the entries make me sad, but many times, what I have written when I've gone through those difficult times has been able to encourage me through the hard time I'm in at present.

I found the following entry tonight and was kind of shocked that I wrote it. It doesn't really sound like me, I don't think. It's more poetic-y than I usually am. But it encouraged me that if I could write something like that in a time that I was really struggling badly, probably more so than I am now, then surely I can get through this.  Isn't it cool that God can bring something fruitful out of a hard time, even if it's only helpful to yourself? lol

Here lately I've been really struggling with the issue of Science. I haven't been taking any science classes or anything like that. I've just been reading different books and articles and things and it seems like nowadays science can explain anything away. Even in the last year it seems like enormous progress has been made in the area of science, so much so that many of the things that I thought were miracles that God had performed in my life are made little more than a simple explanation of how the human psyche works. It's so confusing.

I don't know a huge amount of godly men, but I know a few. And even fewer than these are godly men who love and study science. I know about 2 or 3. And they seem to see God even more when they study science. But not me. I only become dismayed when I study it, because it seems to destroy everything that I thought I knew and had believed. My whole belief system and all of the intricacies of these beliefs that I had developed based upon what I thought God showed me, seem to all come crashing down when I start to study different areas of science. I hate it. I want to believe God. But it's so hard when someone is able to not only explain, but give tangible examples of why my beliefs aren't true :/ Help.

What Worship Really Is

Music does not equal worship. Your life is the worship. Music is just another tool and an expression of what should be going on in the heart. Worship will happen whether music exists or not.

You cannot force someone into worship. You can make them feel a little more comfortable by having quality music or making the atmosphere emotional and/or pleasant, but that does not equal worship. Paul and Silas sang in a prison. No instruments, no mood lighting, no fog machines, no freedom. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure their worship was a beautiful thing in God's eyes. Give me someone who will sing to God no matter the circumstance or atmosphere and I'll give you a true Worshiper.

It unsettles me to look at our typical "Christian culture" (because unfortunately, not only do we have a worldly culture, but we have a Christian culture, which in my opinion is almost more dangerous), and think that most people believe that as long as you "get into a song" or "feel the Spirit" or "get excited about Jesus" or whatever, that you're worshiping. That's not scriptural at all. I hope this doesn't come across as a rant. I truly don't mean it that way. It's just something I have been wrestling with for probably the past 2 years.

On the flip side, I think worshiping God through song can be one of the most rewarding things we experience. To me, worship through song is an example of God's greater grace-that we have the opportunity to bring to God something beautiful and experience such a reward as to sense His presence in the process.

I truly believe it's about realizing that OUR LIVES are the act of worship! Paul says so in Romans. Jesus says so all throughout the gospels. He rarely asked people to worship Him in a song. He asked them to worship Him through their lives, in Spirit and in Truth!

Honestly, I think the reason so many people cling to this idea of music=worship is because it's so easy. It's so easy to say you worship God when all you have to do is show up on Sunday and get into the "Worship Service". It's easy to say you're worshipping God when you listen to your ipod and feel moved by the Christian music. It's so easy. You know what's not easy? Presenting your body as a living sacrifice to God. Letting Him have His way, which includes pruning any branches that need pruning, laying down your wants and desires for His, purposing in your heart and actions to have character and integrity, even when it seems like it will kill you. Loving God and seeking Him no matter what you're feeling. That is worship!!! Do you know how different the Church would look if we stopped viewing worship as an outward act, but as a heart ready and willing to allow God to infiltrate every single part of us? Allowing Him to take away any pride, selfish ambition, idolatry, arguing, jealousy, laziness, anger, dissension, etc. and replace it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The Church could be so different and such a picture of Christ. No shows, no pretending, no faking it. Genuine, Spirit-led lives that have been completely changed by God.

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives." Galatians 5:24-25

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship." Romans 12:1

"But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and Truth." John 4:23-24

A bit of what's been going on in my head for the past, oh, year...

I'm all about believing God. In fact, I think disbelief in God is why there are so many discouraged or stagnant Christians. It doesn't make you shallow or bad if you don't believe God. It simply means you are living in defeat and believing lies in whichever area you are disbelieving God. I don't think any of us wants to be that way, but so many of us are unaware that we do it. Many times I don't even realize it. I'm trying to get better about that. However, believing God does not mean we can simply believe Him for something we want, and if we just have enough belief or faith, it will happen. Yes, sometimes that thing that we've been believing Him for does happen. And sometimes I believe it's what He wants... Yet other times I believe He is thinking, "Child, I wish you would be less concerned about your plans and instead get to know Me, and what I would like to do with your life." I think we have been trained to think that if we don't accomplish big, sensational, widely seen things, that we are somehow failures or not fulfilling the life God wants for us. That we don't love God as much as someone who does accomplish these big things. As I've gotten to know God more though, I think that this belief is so detrimental and dangerous. For one, it leaves us feeling inadequate and like a failure, resulting in us trying harder to do more for God. As if He somehow needs us to do things for Him. For two, I believe it results in us focusing more on "the thing" than on God Himself. Maybe it's only me that struggles with this, but I know when I think God has something in mind for me, many times I become so focused on that thing, idea, or person, instead of on Him, that my actual relationship with Him suffers. It becomes less intimate and more businesslike. In the same way, my relationships with others suffer. I view them less as people and more like... pieces of work, or a project. That shouldn't happen. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's an awesome thing to believe God for things. But when we become more focused on the thing, instead of being desperate for God Himself, it's not good. And like I said, sometimes He will give us that thing anyway. But sometimes He won't, because He loves us too much to let us continue on a path that leads us away from intimacy with Him. And I know, it's so hard to trust God that His way is best when you don't get what you want or His way doesn't make any sense or He doesn't do what you know He can do. Trust me, I get it. But...He's God. His ways are infinitely higher than ours. Which, if you're like me, you're thinking, "Well, that is all well and good, but that doesn't make me feel better." What makes me feel better is to realize how much He loves me personally. Psalm 40 talks about how God's thoughts toward us are too vast to be counted, that He will not withhold compassion from us. Isaiah 30 it says that He longs to be gracious to us, that He waits on high to have compassion on us. Psalm 139 says He is intimately acquainted with all of our ways. If He cares about us so much, can we not trust that He will accomplish that which concerns us (Psalm 138), in His timing, whether or not it is big or small. Because, when you think about it, if God's in it, it's huge. Let's try to, instead of focusing so much on what we want God to do, ask Him to show us how to pray for what He wants and to change our hearts to want His will as well.

So I've been having a really difficult time these past two or three weeks (which isn't really anything new. I have difficult times a lot lol. I guess I'm too sensitive? Idk why God made me so... feeling-y) Anyways, then I realized today is October, which means it's been Fall for about two-ish weeks. Fall is always difficult for me and my family. It's so strange to me how you won't even be thinking about certain things, but that certain times of the year will automatically trigger feelings due to your subconscious. I'm not sure if anyone reads this, but if so, and if you think about me, or my family, please pray. I really appreciate it.

Let's Be Real

I like flowery, poetic words. I really do. I always have. But there comes a time when you realize that eloquent words have the tendency to be just that: Words. That's it. Nothing to sustain or give life to. We don't become holy by using righteous lingo. We don't become like Jesus by speaking the churchy, Jesus-y, spiritual words, no matter how badly we want to, no matter how good our intentions. We are molded into His image when we allow Him to do just that: Mold. Build. Tear down. Break apart. Wound. Heal. Restructure. Reform. Recreate. Constantly. It's easy to talk it up. So easy. What's not easy is to allow the Creator to have His way. But that's the only fruit that lasts. It doesn't come from words. It comes from regeneration. From sanctification. An internal work that is so real and holy, it spills out and affects everything around it. God help us to be real. Do the work in us.

God is capable. And He loves us passionately and with a commitment so deep, that it's hard for us to come close to imagining it. If we know that He loves us so wonderfully, do we need to hold onto the things that we look to for security and love? In my somewhat limited experience, nothing satisfies the way Christ does. And I don't say that in a hypothetical, idealogical way. What I mean is that when I seek Him instead of other things, I can't describe the peace and contentment I feel deep in my soul. I want others to know that they can have that too. But I also want them to know what it looks like, because I didn't understand for so long. It doesn't come easily. I've had to give up most of the things that meant the most to me, such as relationships, friendships, popularity, recognition, comfort, security in things or people, having a definite plan for my life, doing life the way the world and culture tells us it's supposed to look like, etc. At the time I did not want to give them up or take the godly route. I still don't like giving them up most times. But I know that God wants me to so that He can fulfill His plan for my life. And most of all, I want to know Jesus. That has been the best part. When I have to give up these things, instead of complaining or being sad, or as the Gospels say, "Put my hand to the plow and then look back", if I seek God in it, with a humble and obedient, teachable and willing attitude, it's amazing what He shows me. It doesn't always look the same way, and many times I wallow in self-pity or depression or rebellion because I do not want certain things in my life to be the way that they are. But if I can get to the point of willingness, of joy, knowing that God is trying to deepen the intimacy between me and Him, it's the best place in the whole wide world to be. I don't think I could ever put it into words. I guess the key in all of this is communication with Him. And believing that He will do it. He will do what it takes to help me know Him better. That is so comforting I could just sob. To know that He is coming after me, even before I come after Him. That kind of love is too amazing to be adequately described. And we don't even know the half of it. And when I think of how often I try to replace Him with other things or people, I feel like the dumbest person ever. Why would I pursue other things, stupid, insignificant, meaningless things, when the creator of the Universe wants me to come to Him? God help me to remember and believe that you are worth more than anything and that You love me in a way that I could never define.

I've had so many ideas for new blog posts but I haven't written them down and now I've forgotten them. I do have something I've been thinking about however, and I hope I'll be able to expound upon it.

I was in a Bible study recently that was addressing the issue of sin. We talked about a lot of different aspects of sin like what we are doing when we sin, what happens when we sin, how do we know when we're sinning, how do we stop sinning, etc. I realized something pretty cool as we were reading a certain passage. I can't remember which exact passage it was so I'm gonna have to go back to my notes and write it down but it was talking about the purpose of the law. When I say the law, I mean the Torah, the collection of scriptures that the Hebrews regarded as God's word and commands. The law wasn't given so that men could obtain righteousness, although many of the Jews didn't understand that. It actually did the opposite. It revealed man's unrighteousness. Before men knew the law, they didn't know they were sinful, or at least, they didn't know how sinful they were. But then the law was given to show them their sin. This concept isn't new at all to me. I've read things like this many times before. The thing that struck me anew was that when we were talking and reading about all of this, it was another piece of evidence of why it's so important to be in the Word! The Law revealed sin, just as God's word is able to help us see the sin in our lives. If we don't read the Word, if we're not meditating on it and pondering it and searching it out, then we think everything is ok-that we're ok how we are. But when we read the Word, our sin is revealed. We might be tempted to think of that as a bad thing at first. But think about it for a little longer. If you truly want to follow God, if you don't want anything hindering your relationship with Him, don't you want your sin to be revealed? Yes, it will probably be painful and uncomfortable, but look at the parallel between Jesus's atoning sacrifice and the standard of the Law. Where sin abounded and the presence of it was made clear, Grace abounded all the more. Likewise, when our sin is exposed, grace is all the more available. When we humble ourselves and repent, the blood of Jesus is there to cover that sin and to welcome us back with open arms.

If you don't remember anything from this somewhat irregular post, remember this: If you want to follow Jesus, if you truly want nothing hindering your relationship with Him, get in His word! He will show you what needs to be done away with. He will give you the encouragement and grace you need to allow Him to chip away at the pieces that don't belong in His masterpiece.

One other thing: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." James 5:16. The leader of the Bible study stressed the importance of going to someone and becoming accountable for our sin. I'm so glad he said that because I'm a huge advocate of being honest about where we are and reaching out to those who can help us. If you're serious about following Jesus, there comes a time when we need to find someone that we can be completely honest with. I'm not talking about just an accountability partner. I'm talking about someone who is wise and Godly, who will take seriously the decision to walk with Christ and who will give you sound advice, encouragement, and exhortation.


 Is there a conflict, then, between God’s law and God’s promises? Absolutely not! If the law could give us new life, we could be made right with God by obeying it. But the Scriptures declare that we are all prisoners of sin, so we receive God’s promise of freedom only by believing in Jesus Christ." 
Galatians 3:19-22

Hypocrisy: I'm guilty

You know who is encouraging to look at in the Bible? Peter. And David. They both messed up so much, most people would call them hypocrites. Yet God loved them enough to see past their hypocrisy into their hearts and allowed them to be influential in spreading the Word. It really comforts me to know that God still loves me and can still use me if my heart is tender toward Him, even if to others, or even to myself, I appear as a hypocrite. I don't say all of that to condone hypocrisy. I say it to encourage those of you who may be like me-afraid to speak the truth because you know that of yourself, you are unworthy to even bear the Mark of Christ. I hold back so often because I know what I'm guilty of, I hear that voice in my head saying "You've done the same thing, or something similar", and in a sense, I think that can be a good thing, helping me to check myself before I wreck myself (lol). But it can also be really detrimental, because it causes me to sit back and allow a standard that should be held high to waiver or be lowered. I think that's where understanding true love comes into play. True love doesn't allow certain things to go deliberately unnoticed. Sometimes it's appropriate not to say something or not to establish a certain opinion. But other times, it's appropriate and in fact, absolutely necessary to growth as an individual. Mercy needs to be accompanied by discipline. Not discipline in the form of punishment with no forgiveness. Discipline as God defines it - For those who the Lord loves, He disciplines, as a father disciplines the child in whom he delights! Our Father disciplines us because He delights in us! I love that. I think I love it because as a child I was always fearful of getting into trouble with my father. He was very strict. I was terrified of him because in my mind, his discipline or strictness didn't seem loving to me. Had he been around for a few more years I know he would have been better able to help me see that his discipline shouldn't cause me to be that scared of him, that he did it because he loved me. In the same way, in this passage it says that a father who delights in their child disciplines them. So even when God seems "mean" or "scary", He's not. He does what He does because He loves and delights in me.

This is kind of a random post, and I wasn't able to really tie it all up, but hey, it's what I was thinking about.

Ya know, I have to tell you, I've really enjoyed reading through Mark. I'm not finished yet, but it's been nice to just take one book of the Bible and work my way through it. I can't even remember the last time I did that. It has been encouraging because many times I feel that unless I have a Bible study helping me with reading scripture, I won't really get much out of it. But I've gotten quite a lot out of going through Mark by myself. It's cool :)

Today I was reading and verses 35 and 36 of the 14th chapter really stuck with me. It's when Jesus is praying in Gethsemane, basically asking God if there is any way for Him to get out of this. I just have to post what He said cause it's so good.

³⁵ And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground and began to pray that if it were possible, the hour might pass Him by. ³⁶ And He was saying,“Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will.”


Jesus had experienced the glory and power of God, for He is part of the Godhead. He knew better than anyone how capable God was of changing things, of finding a different way. Yet he still was willing to do whatever God asked. That is convicting. Knowing that with God all things are possible, yet being completely willing to suffer in the worst way possible because He wants you to. It made me think of my own life and how often I pray to God, telling Him that all things are possible with Him, so make this or that happen, or don't make this or that happen. And yes, usually I throw in a "not my will but Your will", but do I really mean it? Debatable. I want to be able to say fully, "God, I know you are capable of changing this situation. I know that if You so desired, You could make things different in a heartbeat and still bring glory to Your Name. But because I know you are good, because I believe that, and because I trust You, I will do whatever You ask and I will live out whatever Your will is for me." I don't know that I can say that and mean it completely right now. But it is going to be my prayer from now on.

Time

I love when God gives me a specific word for something I've asked Him about. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, nothing in the whole wide world can make me happier.
A little while ago I was going over in my mind all of the things I have to get done. Projects for school, stuff for work, even Bible study stuff. And it was really stressing me out because in the midst of it, I didn't feel that I had any time for God. And I know, time with God is the most important thing. But when life is actually happening, when you get away from talking about hypothetical realities and are smack dab in the midst of your reality, it's difficult to believe this. So I was stressing and I just asked God, "God, I have so much to do. I really want to spend time with You but what am I supposed to do? Shirk all my other responsibilities? Do I put everything on hold, even though my grades, my character, my sanity, depends on getting everything done? And what about the rest of my life? Am I just supposed to focus on spending time with you and if I don't get accomplished what I want to get accomplished then, 'oh well'?" I didn't really know if He would answer or not. I kind of expected Him not to, but I decided I needed to get in the Word anyway, because that's the "right" thing to do. So I did.
I picked up in Mark 13 (I've been trying to read through Mark, albeit kinda slowly). Mark 13 is full of prophecy about the end times and about the fall of Jerusalem, which ended up happening a little over 70 a.d. It's interesting stuff, but not super relevant to what I was going through. So I was like "Ok that's fine, at least I've learned to be a little more urgent and on the alert for when Christ comes back". So I finished the chapter and thought about going to the Psalms but I decided to just keep reading. So I started chapter 14. It was about Mary, when she poured all of her perfume on Jesus's head. What grabbed my attention was how the others in the group responded. They said, "Why has this perfume been wasted?" Wasted! They said that something beautiful and expensive was wasted on Jesus. And it made me think of myself. And more specifically, my time. I was viewing time spent with Jesus as wasted time. Time that could be spent accomplishing things. Good things. Being responsible and diligent and stuff like that.
You want to know something else? Jesus was a huge advocate for the poor and needy, the broken and hurt. Yet, when these people said that the perfume should have been sold and the money given to the poor, Jesus said, "Let her alone. Why do you bother her? She has done a good deed to me. For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you wish you can do good to them; but you do not always have Me. She has done what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial. Truly I say to you, wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken of in memory of her. Mark 14:6-9"
Because this woman did a good deed to Jesus, her story is heard whenever the gospel is heard and she was blessed by Jesus.
Now, I don't say all of this to say that I should shirk my responsibilities. I shouldn't. What I should do however, is remember that the most important thing is seeking God with all of my heart. If I seek Him, things will fall into place. They have to. Psalm 34:22 says that "None who take refuge in Him will be ashamed." And when I think about my life and what I want it to be, the most important thing to me is that God is my first priority, that He is my first love, that everything else doesn't really matter in light of who He is.

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; how blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him!" Psalm 34:8

Written a few months ago...

**I'm happy to say that I have made progress in this area since writing this. Yay!! lol


The topic swirling around my head as of late is love. No, not that kind of love. The love that is described in 1 Corinthians 13 (although, people would do well to intertwine that kind of love with that kind of love. Catch my drift? haha).
To be honest, I'm pretty selfish. I know, shocking, right? I'm sure you couldn't tell from my previous posts. Haha. But you want to know what the worst part of it is? I cling to my selfishness in the name of decency and common courtesy. My brain does something like this: "After all I've done it's the least they could do to...(fill in the blank)", or , "They should know what I'm feeling, thinking, etc!", or my personal favorite, "I deserve better than that!". Well actually Sarah, you deserve separation from Love. You deserve never to know what it means to be unconditionally cared for. But because God isn't selfish like you, you get Life. And not only Life, but true love. Love that never fails, never gives up, never runs out. It's not my job to try to change people or control them. It's my job to love them. And by loving them I mean showing them patience and kindness, not just when they're easy to get along with, but when everything about them irritates or frustrates or hurts me. It's my responsibility to not be jealous of them and to not be arrogant or rude to them. If I am to show them the same love that Christ has shown me every single day, then I cannot seek what I want through them, I must seek their best, not be easily angered, and probably the hardest one, not keep a record of wrong. I must bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. If I say that I'm a Christian and I say that I know Christ and His love, if I'm not exhibiting these characteristics toward everyone, especially the people that frustrate me the most, then my faith is worthless. Worthless. Good for absolutely nothing. And it's a good indication that I actually have no concept of Christ's love in my life. All I have to do is look at the mess I am to see how amazing Jesus is-that He sees every single insecure, ugly, selfish, unloveable spec, and still loves me. I don't get it. But it makes me much more willing to bestow that kind of love on others. Love is what affects the change.

"It's a race. I hope I ween!"

Being a Christian is a lot like running. If you've never made a habit of running, then it's hard. To start out, you have to have a reason for doing it. If you don't have a reason, then as soon as you go out for the first time and start moving, you won't have any motivation to carry you through. I've thought over and over again my whole life, "How in the world could I ever convince anyone to become a Christ follower?" After all, following Jesus is hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. Why would anyone want to take on something harder when life is already hard enough as it is.

18 inches

I'm thinking that this is probably going to be a long post and I'm hoping I'll be able to impart the thoughts in my head effectively. Along those lines, you want to know what one of the weirdest thing ever is? Feelings.
Feelings you can feel and think about, and yet never even form a sentence in your head. I've always grappled with feelings and thoughts. And I don't mean struggling with the reality of them. No, more so than actually feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts is the difficulty of expressing them. Saying them. How do you put feelings and thoughts into words? It doesn't matter of what nature they are, it's pretty much always exasperating to me. I've never been one of those quick witted people who always has an awesome comeback. Sure, I can think of funny or important stuff to say, but when it comes to communicating what the most important issue in my mind is, I can't make the connection between my brain and my mouth. It's possibly one of the most frustrating things I experience. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I'm afraid I'll be misunderstood. Do I sound like a 90's angsty teenager or what? That's pretty sad considering I'm 21 and it's 2012. Haha, in the words of one of my classmates, "Whaatehvah".

True Story