Streams in a Wasteland

...

Rather than waste the first few lines of this blog with formalities about how I should have written sooner, etc. I'll just get right into it. Although I'm not exactly sure what "it" is going to be about. I've been thinking on sooo much lately and I've learned a lot over the past several weeks. However, I'm still struggling. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not be struggling with something. I know we are all called to "fight the good fight" and "run our race" and "partake in the sufferings of Christ", which is fine. I'm glad in a sense that I struggle because it's a bit of confirmation that I am saved. "Whom the Lord loves, He disciplines." However, it does not make the struggling easier to go through.

I found a quote that I had posted a while ago onto my facebook and it perfectly sums up my life right now.

‎"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)


I like for things to make sense. In fact, I cannot stand it when things don't make sense (although, I am learning to get better about that). And up until a few months ago, life made sense. Sure it was hard. But I knew that what God was doing needed to be done. I just hated that it had to be done in the way that it was done. However, now, I have no idea what He is up to. Well, actually that's a lie. I have a vague inclination. But that's about it. I know He has to be building my faith, because that is one of the things I've been praying for for the past several weeks. But I know there is much more happening than that. And though it was hard and will be hard, I'm looking forward to what it is He is doing. I just wish I always had a good attitude about it. I don't. In fact, the other day I was so frustrated that I had the worst attitude ever and later on in the day after I had pitched my fit, I was so embarrassed. I know I probably shouldn't be embarrassed in front of God but I was. I hate that I am so faithless and that I couldn't just calm down and trust Him. It seems like I wait and wait and wait for Him to do something or speak or anything and when it doesn't happen after a long while, I get so upset that I blow up. And then after I calm down, then He speaks to me. I don't understand why He lets me get to that point. Why doesn't He help before I fall apart? I don't know if I'll ever have the answer but maybe one day He'll show me. 


Oh! Guess what?? I'm going on a mission trip! I'll have to defer the story of how it came about to another time because at present I am tired and it's a long story. But I will be going to an orphanage in Honduras that my church helps sponsor. I know God is going to use it. I'm looking forward to it. 


So anyways I have a feeling in a little bit I'm going to start not making any sense so I'll go ahead and sign out. Goodnight!

Yikes! It's been a whole week!

I was going to start out by apologizing for not keeping my commitment to write but it's not like anyone follows this so I guess it doesn't matter! Heh heh. Hmmm what to write about....

Part 2

I'm being a little devil :/

So last night as I was crying before God I came across Psalm 42. It felt like something I could have written at the very moment. David speaks of longing for God, thirsting for Him, having tears flood his eyes day and night while the enemy asks where God is, remembering how things used to be, how worship used to be so wonderful and joyful, wondering why His heart is so sad, yet still knowing that God is Savior. I could go on and on but then I'd basically just be writing the whole thing out. Long story short, it was exactly how I felt. So I just told God that it's gotten to the point where I almost dread having Bible time because the disappointment of not hearing Him speak to my heart is almost too much. I know that His Word never returns void. But lately it's just dry. I mean, occasionally what His word says leaps off the page, but mostly it's just words to me. I hate to even write that. It sounds so irreverent and... wrong. But it's what has been going on. It felt good to just be honest about it instead of wishing I wasn't as faithless as I am. 
So anyways this morning I was having my quiet time and I came across a section that spoke about how Jesus was tempted in every way that we are yet He was without sin. He had the opportunity to react just like I do in every situation, yet He never responded badly. He knows the feelings that I'm going through, He experienced them. So then that got me to thinking. What is a situation that Christ went through that's similar to mine? (Obviously it can only be somewhat similar, as He and I led quite different lives haha) And I immediately thought of the time He went through the desert for 40 days and nights and was tempted by the devil. And you know, I've never really thought about it before until today but what exactly was He doing out there for 40 days?? And what is the deeper meaning to the devil tempting Jesus besides the obvious wanting Him to sin or wanting Jesus to worship him. Now I was curious. Naturally, I did what I always do when I'm curious. I googled. And I found a golden nugget. I'll post the link at the bottom of the page. The website is dedicated to free Bible study lessons. Guess I hit the jackpot. So antyways, I clicked the link and lo and behold, the first question was "Why did the Holy Spirit lead Jesus into the Wilderness?" The most common answer and one that they had written was that He was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted or tested by the devil. (Now, obviously my situation ain't as bad as Jesus's. Last time I checked, I'm not in the Israelite desert starving cause I haven't eaten in 40 days and coming face to face with the devil, but you get the picture. I feel as if this is a spiritual desert or wilderness time in my life.) The writers of this study compared the Israelites 40 year wilderness experience to that of Jesus's 40 day experience, which I thought was quite clever, especially in light of the points that they make. They quoted Deuteronomy 8:2-3: Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD". Ouch. When I read that it dawned on me, even though I've thought about this before, I really feel as if I'm going through this time because God wants to see if I'll be faithful to Him, even when His will isn't what I want it to be, even when I can't hear Him speaking to my heart or feel Him. He has caused me to (spiritually) hunger, and then fed me with just enough to get by until I hear from Him again. It doesn't really make a whole lotta sense to me, but He's God. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. Ya know, I could be way off theologically on all of this, but I just really think that this is what He's showing me. 
So back to the lesson. The next point that the writers make is that in both the cases of Jesus and the Israelites, they had both "just experienced God's power and favor. Jesus experienced God's favor at His baptism and the Israelites had just seen the most powerful manifestation of God's power at work at the Red Sea." (Not to mention they had just been delivered from hundreds of years of slavery in Egypt). And right after all that happened, they end up in the wilderness! Once again, I feel like this exact same thing happened to me! Well, not exact, but you know what I mean. I experienced God in ways I couldn't even imagine last semester and I really knew that His favor was on me and I was growing and I was just so close to Him. I can't really even describe it. Over the Summer, I started to drift a little but anytime I would seriously focus and have quiet time with Him, I would hear Him speak. I looked forward to this Fall semester because I figured it would be the same as last Spring. I would have the time to focus on Him and He would really speak to me and I would grow and I would love Him more and me and Him would just be tight... But that's not what happened. I would seek Him and try to find Him, yet almost every time I tried, He was nowhere to be found. Now, I know the Bible says He will never leave me or forsake me. I get that. But as far as hearing His voice, having Him speak to my heart, having the knowledge of His love overwhelm me like it did before, well, none of it happened. And I kept waiting for things to change but nothing happened. I would wrack my brain, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, even convincing myself (for a day or so) that I wasn't doing anything wrong that this was just a hard time. But when the hard time didn't let up, I began to get frustrated. And frustration turned to anger. I was so mad at Him. I didn't want to be. I was so frustrated I didn't know how to react except to lash out in anger, accusing Him of not being who He said He is. I didn't understand why the Bible would say "You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all of your heart" when I was seeking Him as hard as I knew how and I still couldn't find Him. So after sulking and being mad for a couple of days I finally just gave up. I didn't give up on Him, but I gave up on trying to make sense of any of it. I didn't know what to believe and I honestly didn't want to try to figure anything out anymore because all my attempts to do so had ended in disappointment. I realized that nothing I can do can make God answer me. I just have to wait for Him. So I've been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Which brings me back to the lesson. Jesus's response and the Israelites response were very different. The Israelites complained and questioned God and it almost seems like they were mocking Him. Kind of like what I was doing... :( But Jesus, instead of questioning why the Holy Spirit had led Him into the wilderness, fasted and prayed. For 40 days! The lesson notes that fasting is helpful because it takes the emphasis off the flesh and focuses our mind on the spiritual. (Funny how off and on I had been convicted of getting on facebook waaay too much. Fast from Facebook started today.) I'm just going to paste the whole quote that they use on here because it's a good one. 
We all go through wilderness experiences in our Christian walk. It can be very exhausting and draining. It deprives us of all the comforts that we may usually enjoy. It tests the deepest secrets and convictions of our heart to test what lies in our heart. We may have just gone through the greatest high of our walk with God. Next, we find ourselves in the spiritual turmoil or wilderness. During these times of testing, we need to put our complete trust in the Lord.

Day... ?

I still don't "feel" God, but that doesn't mean He's not there. His presence with us is a promise, regardless of what we feel.

I had been struggling with not receiving answers from Him and not hearing Him because I kept thinking of all the verses that say to call on God and He will answer you. I was becoming so frustrated because I kept calling yet I couldn't make out an answer. Then it finally dawned on me. It doesn't say "Call on me and I'll answer you right away". It says "Call on me and I will answer you". God's timing is not my own but it IS perfect. I have to believe that even though it feels like I'll never feel that intimacy with Him again, there's a reason and He knows best. I walk by faith and not by sight. It's so difficult sometimes, but someday, somehow, it'll be worth it. That's what the Bible says. It also says to wait on the Lord and be of good courage. I have not been of good courage. I've been of crappy courage. Or no courage at all. I got so angry at Him. Several times. I still don't understand why He feels so distant but I don't want to get angry at Him anymore. I always feel terrible afterward. He gave everything for me and He does so much for me and yet I'm never grateful. I do confess I'd rather feel close to Him then receive a lot of the material blessings, but once again, He knows best. For all I know this is a time of testing, of proving whether my faith is really genuine or not. Or maybe the devil is trying to get me to fall. I honestly do not know. But I do know that I'm not giving up! I can't! The Bible says "You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart". I want to find Him so badly. I want Him to speak to my heart, not just my head. But it is up to Him. I do need to ask Him if there is anything hindering Him from speaking to my heart. That's going to be my objective in the next day. Ask Him if there is anything that I need out of my life that is hindering Him from reaching my heart and making Himself number one. Until next time...

God is able

This morning I woke up early, took a shower, fixed myself a bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal, a cup of coffee, and sat down to read The Word. I reread Psalm 3 because I always need constant reminders of what God has said to me. I'm like that in pretty much all areas of life. I need reassurance. I guess that means I'm a Words of Affirmation kinda person (though I do have tendencies to all of the other love languages as well haha). Anyways, I was still encouraged by what Psalm 3 had to say. I also read Psalm 4 and Psalm 34. I'll be honest, I'm having to refresh myself on what they said because I can't remember exactly. I did write down several of the verses on a notecard though and carried it with me to church lol. Psalm 4:5 says "Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust the Lord. " I thought that verse was pretty relevant, seeing as how I had been so concerned with wanting to DO for God, or in other words, sacrifice, but what He wants is for me to trust Him. I also wrote down Psalm 34: 4,9,17-19,22. It's quite a few verses but the gist of it is that God will hear me, He'll deliver me from my fears, if I fear Him I won't need anything. I love verse 18, which says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I didn't want to admit that this situation crushed me and broke my heart but it did. Once again, I'm not sure why I'm so sensitive or why things affect me so deeply the way that they do but I can't change it. I've tried but it's just not who I am. God must have made me this way for a reason. I loved verse 22 which says, "The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned." The devil has been trying to condemn me. Not to hell, because he knows that I'm already saved forever from that. But he's doing the next best thing. Trying to condemn me in my relationship with Christ. Trying to prevent me from experiencing the abundant life that Jesus has for me. But there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." This includes getting through this valley of hurt and disillusionment. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ in me. If Christ lives in me, I am more than a conqueror. I have the power of God Almighty living inside of me. Of course I can overcome this. But it is going to take time for Him to work and to heal me and make me whole. I guess that's the whole theme of this 30 days. To come to wholeness in Jesus Christ. That is my prayer. I know God is able.

...

So, this morning I wasn't able to have a long Bible time like I would have liked to. I started but then several things came up. However, I did come across a few verses that I felt very encouraged by.
I've started so many things in my life only to quit or tried to change certain things about myself only to fail. Once this happens it is very difficult to ever want to try again because not trying is better than failing. Or so it would seem. And the devil has just been screaming at me that nothing will ever get better, that I'll always be a failure, that nobody will ever want me, that I should be scared of life and of being a failure. And then I came across Psalm 3:2-4 today. If I would have been alone I probably would have started crying (I tend to do that when I feel the Lord speaking to me). Anyway the verses say,

P.S.

Also, I have a few more verses I'd like to memorize. Including the other passages, this is obviously a lot of scripture. So at the moment I'm not going to set a specific date as to when I want these memorized. I'll figure it out later!
Romans 12:6-16 ⁶ In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. ⁷ If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. ⁸ If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

This Post Is Probably Going To Be Erratic

As the title of this post indicates, I'm going to be all over the place. As if that is anything out of the ordinary. I've had so much going through my mind lately but I have to say, it's a bit more peaceful than it usually is. No, not much of it makes sense but... I don't know. I'm not worried I guess.
I spoke with two people in the past two days that have helped me make some sense of myself lol. Because God knows on my own, I'm completely clueless. How is it that I cannot make sense of me? I don't understand. But it's ok :)
So I've been struggling with feeling like I'm not doing enough for God. And I knew in the back of my mind that it's not just about doing. It's about being. But for some reason I couldn't make the connection as to why it's not all about doing. So I was speaking with somebody whose council I value and basically what he said was that God doesn't need me to do things for Him. He needs me to let Him live through me. Obviously my heart is that I want to do the will of God. So if I am completely surrendered to Him, no matter what, He'll use me. But the key is surrender. And I thought about that idea for a while. It's funny how I can learn things so well (or so I think) and then I forget them. I haven't been surrendered to God. I've wanted to be in control. I've wanted my life to be how I think it should be and I would do things for God. But that's not what He wants. He wants me to be willing to change my plans so that He can use me. And it's hard to do that, to get to the place of surrender. But in my experience, it has brought much more peace then striving for the life that I think I want. It's like I was/am trying to serve two masters. And we all know that's no good.
I was so worried that what I am doing and what I will do is not enough, that God will be disappointed in me and that I won't be what He wants. But if I'm surrendered to Him, I will be what He wants. And He will accomplish His purpose through me. It makes so much sense. How did I miss that? I don't know lol. But the important thing is, now I know (somewhat) how to pray and what to ask Him.
I still have the issue of school and career and what to do. But I'm trusting that He'll show me. I had planned on writing more about that but I can't focus right now. Haha what a surprise. Until next time...

Scripture Memory

Ok so I know I said last sunday night that I was going to memorize a Psalm. Buuuut after I thought about it for a while, and after reading the Psalm over and over again, I decided that for what I'm going through, I should probably focus more on uplifting passages, not ones that focus on despair lol. I also want to memorize ones that focus on forgiveness and love because I really need the reminders daily. So here is a list of a few that I have found and would like to memorize:
-Luke 6:27-36- ²⁷ “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. ²⁸ Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. ²⁹If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. ³⁰ Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. ³¹ Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
 ³⁵ “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. ³⁶ You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
-John 13:34-35- ³⁴ So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ³⁵ Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
-1 John 3:18-20- ¹⁸ Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ¹⁹ Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. ²⁰ Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.
-1 John 4:16-19¹⁶ We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

Part 1 Perhaps?

I will probably write more later on but I wanted to get a few of my thoughts out before I went about my business for the day haha. I sound like an old person. What else is new?
         So anyways, yesterday as I was driving home for the weekend I was thinking about my life. Shocker right? I do some of my best thinking in my car. I think it's because I'm able to turn the worship music up and sing my heart out at the top of my lungs and then talk to God. And as I was talking, half out loud, half in my head, I started to make a little sense of what is going on right now. Little being the key word. I won't ever see the whole picture because I'm not God, but I think that He allowed me to see a few reasons for why I'm struggling right now. I think I'd better just number them off that way there is some semblance of order and it's just easier to read that way haha.
1.) He's teaching me to truly love others. With several people throughout this past year  I've had such a hard time letting go of what others have done to me. It may not have even been terrible things but because it hurt me, I held it against them. I think that we have to use discernment when it comes to our relationships with people but there comes a point when discernment can turn into cynicism and judging. And that's where I had been. It's incredibly hard to admit that, especially since my pride is screaming at me that what all of these people have done to me is wrong. However, look at how many hundreds of times a day I do the same thing to God. I hurt Him, I don't put Him first, I have a hard time trusting Him, I struggle with thinking that His way is best. And amazingly, holding onto the un-forgiveness makes me ten times more judgmental of myself, which is absolutely miserable because I'm a perfectionist anyway. Throw in un-forgiveness and you have a recipe for a depressed, bitter, cynical, hopeless Sarah. It was awful and still is, if I allow it to take hold of my mind. But! Now that I am (somewhat) aware of what is going on, I'm going to try that much harder to keep the mind of Christ. Which brings me to my next point.
2.) He's teaching me to trust Him NO MATTER WHAT! I think this must be a constant life lesson. It's kinda funny looking back on the last year and remembering when I could feel God or knowing when He was speaking to me and knowing that anytime I went to Him, I could receive a word from Him. I think this semester I have been trying to put Him in a box, make Him into a formula. I would tell myself that if I did everything just right, if I had just the right attitude, if I read all the right things, if I remembered all the right thoughts, then God would speak to me. And as is evidence by several of my previous blog posts, He's hard to find right now. And I've been wracking my brain, wondering why it is so hard to know that He's near, to sense His presence. And I think it is because of my emotions. I was so very emotional last semester but God knew that I needed Him and He made Himself real to me. This semester, I'm still quite emotional, though I would say not as much as before. But I think that He wants to teach me that no matter what I'm feeling, He's still there, still in control, still has a plan for my good, that no matter how I'm feeling my life still means something. But that's a post for another day :) I know the devil is trying to keep me from growing close to God by discouraging me. But he is not going to win. I've decided that no matter how I'm feeling, I'm still going to praise God. It's going to be a struggle and since I've decided to do that, things have gotten even harder (emotionally). But I'm not stopping until I have victory. The devil is not going to win. I was so concerned that I was doing something wrong. And maybe I am. But I trust that God will show me if I am. And in the meantime I'm still going to seek Him. I've been listening to a song by Hillsong called Desert Song. The lyrics are perfect.
Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Answer

Joseph spent AT LEAST 2 years in prison. In most people's eyes he wasn't doing anything, just having his life wasting away from him. Yet I think God used those years to build character in him and to prepare him. To humble him to be prepared to be a great leader. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I shouldn't feel like a failure just because life isn't going my way or doesn't seem "successful". God is preparing me. I have no idea what for but I shouldn't be discouraged. He is faithful. He's not going to give up on me if I truly want to live for Him. 

Question

Here is my biggest question. It's going to take a while to explain so the question will follow the explanation. Backwards, I know but whatever.
I am suffering, yes. But not in a way uncommon to most people in the world. And not in a way that is huge or terrible or anything like that. Indeed, I constantly find myself embarrassed and ashamed that such little things have such a big effect on me. I was just reading in Hebrews I think it was chapter 8 and then again in chapter 11. It talks about the faith of people before us and how though they didn't see much fulfillment of their promises, they still had faith that God would be faithful. And then later on in the chapter it talks about the people who were tortured and suffered for their faith and it also talks about our call to holiness. 


I guess my question is: why do I go through the things that I go through when it's not doing good for anyone? I mean, supposedly it's ultimately doing good for me, if I allow it to. But even as I type that it's a stretch for me to believe it, just because I feel as if I'm not making any progress at all. I feel like I'm wallowing and failing to be what God wants me to be. And to top it all off, I'm doing it alone. I thought that maybe if I were able to help anybody then it would be worth it. Like if what I'm going through could be an encouragement to others.  But I can't even help myself and there's no one else to help. I mean, maybe there is. There's always people to help. Everything I say feels lame or like an excuse. Maybe there's no hope for me...

Psalm 42

I'm probably going to post tomorrow but I just wanted to write in here a goal I have for this week. I was discussing some things with my sister last night and she encouraged me to start memorizing some verses concerning some strongholds that are in my life. Yes, I admit it. Finally. Even though I hate it. I have yet more strongholds in my life. Well, some of the same ones I have been dealing with for a while, they are just back and more obvious now. But I am determined that God will help me out of this. Not temporarily, but for good. So to start, I will be memorizing Psalm 42 (In the NLT) and Philippians 2:13-18 (In NKJ). I'm going to start tomorrow and by next Sunday night I should have them down :)

Wait on the Lord

Be Still

New Beginning

Ok, I have been absolutely terrible about keeping up with this blog. Actually, I shouldn't even say keeping up, as I haven't even written one post. I had originally intended to keep this as a recipe blog of sorts but obviously that fell through. I have never really felt the need to really write about my personal life on this blog just because I quite often journal by hand. I know, I'm probably old fashioned but I just love holding a journal and being able to fill a blank page with a story-cause that's what life is. A story. But I have found that in trying to keep up with my thoughts on paper, most often my hand can't keep up with how fast my brain thinks. And as I'm getting older, I forget things so easily :( I know, I know. I'm only 20. But the information and technology nowadays overloads my brain and makes it very difficult for me to keep a one track mind and remember the really important things I wish I could remember. Therefore, I resort to this blog, for the really important things I want to remember. I probably won't be as diligent in writing on it as I'm anticipating, but even if I can mark some important things to look over later, it will have served it's purpose. So, until then...