Streams in a Wasteland

But as I was sitting here thinking about it, I realized, yes, it is hard. But think about when you are not exercising. When you haven't made exercise and eating healthy a habit in your life. You feel lethargic, unmotivated, and tired. Your body definitely shows the lack of discipline (unless you have magic genes, which I'm convinced some people do), as do your moods and emotions. But then, maybe someone starts telling you about their plan to have a healthier lifestyle, or maybe they have already had a healthy lifestyle and they just like talking about it. You say, "Good for them", but aren't interested in making any changes in your life because it would take effort that you don't want to put forth. But as that someone keeps on with their plan of exercising and eating healthy, you start to desire to do the same for yourself. Not just because someone else is doing it, but because of the change you see in them. They tell you all about how they feel much better, have more energy, are more motivated, have a sense of accomplishment, their body gives evidence to their new habits. They are honest with you about the fact that it took, and still takes, a lot of hard work, that it requires sacrifice, and that they struggle. But the results are worth it. 

To me, that's how being a Christian is. It's hard, it takes effort, it's not magic that will fix everything and help you at the snap of your finger. Just like no magic pill will make you look and feel great (without severe consequences anyway). Ah, but the results, the goal, and the reward, that's what spurns you on. And you know that in the end, it will be worth it all.

"I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." - Philippians 3:14


"For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come." - 1 Timothy 4:8

So I was going to write last week about something really cool I experienced but I just got really busy and I couldn't focus enough to write it. Here goes... 

About two weeks ago I was really struggling with some pretty serious issues. I'm not going to give the details because it's personal, but they are issues that have a pretty significant effect on anyone who thinks about them. So I was really wrestling with God over them and all the while I was wrestling them, I was also wrestling other things that I didn't even realize I was wrestling with. (Do you think I used the word wrestling enough in that sentence?) 

I kept trying to get in the Word and find some answers but it just seemed like there was no relief or answers for the restlessness in my spirit and mind. I sought counsel on the matter because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and thankfully, the individuals that I spoke with didn't actually give me the answers to my questions, because they knew that unless God Himself revealed them to me, I would still doubt and wonder if it was true. I'm very grateful for their wisdom in that matter. So I took their advice and kept trying to seek God. I still didn't get any answers. I kept trying to "put on a good face" and "just trust God" but you know, God knows when we're not trusting Him, even if we won't admit it. I think that's probably the biggest problem with distrust. We won't admit it. 

There's that phrase that says, "The first step to recovery is admitting the problem". Over and over again I have found this true of my spiritual life. You see, I'm one of those people who tends to run from my feelings. I run because I'm fearful of them. I run because they are overwhelming to me. I do what I can to avoid them, without being fully aware that I'm avoiding them. My whole life, as far back as I can remember, I've always had this voice telling me that I can't do it. That whatever the task is at hand, I will give up, I won't succeed, I won't follow through. And because, for the majority of my life I listened to the voice, I now find it hard not to believe it. That's why I avoid almost anything that involves commitment. Because I'm afraid of failing. Because I see failure as a pattern in my life. But that's a post for another day…

It's relevant to this post because it's how my relationship with God is sometimes defined. Me, constantly running, afraid of being let down, disappointed, or failing. But you know what the crazy thing is? God never lets me down. Sometimes I think He does, because I don't get an answer right away, or I don't see a result like I thought I would. But that doesn't mean He's let me down or failed to keep His promises. Also a post for another day. Sorry I keep getting off track. 

So in the midst of all these tumultuous thoughts, I went home during my lunch break earlier last week to take a shower because I had woken up late and didn't have time to get one that morning. So I was in there talking to God, getting frustrated that He wouldn't give me some relief, not admitting what was in my heart of hearts. My mind kept jumping from one thing to the next, going around in circles, never finding any answers. For some reason, a particular ministry had come to my mind several times over the last few weeks and while I was in the shower it came to me again. It was something which I didn't want to be a part of at all really, as terrible as that sounds. But I got so desperate to please God, so desperate to do His will for my life, so desperate for the unrest to stop, that I finally just said the words, "FINE! I'll go if You want me to go!". And I cannot even explain what happened. I may have experienced a feeling like that only once or twice in my life. It was like my mind finally rested. 

If I were to explain it visually, I would say, picture a stick figure that represents my brain. Now imagine it running around in circles, in one direction, then in the opposite direction, then running in straight lines back and forth, from idea to idea, from question to unanswered question, then running back in the circles. But when I said those words to God, really meaning them this time, it was as if my brain just sat down. I couldn't think of any more questions or problems. It was like I didn't need to anymore. It was like God said, "Ok, that's what I was waiting for." Even though I had just surrendered to doing something that I, in my flesh, don't want to do at all, I was peaceful. And I started actually wanting to do the very thing I was dreading. But the story doesn't stop there. 

I got out of the shower and while I was eating lunch I decided to read in Psalms. It was very encouraging and applicable. But it gets better. Sometimes when I read scripture that really helps or encourages me, I write it out on notecards and carry it with me throughout the day so that I can constantly be reminded of it. Usually my mom keeps blank notecards by the computer but on this day there wasn't any, so I was looking around for some and came across several that my mom had already written on. Me, being the curious person that I am, started to read through them. They were pretty interesting. Then about the fourth one I read really caught my attention. It was the beginning of a chapter out of Galatians. So, I looked it up in the NLT and it was addressing the very issue I had been struggling with all week. Not only was it addressing it, but it was explaining in detail all the questions I had about said issue and the answers regarding that issue. God is the coolest. He may not answer right away, but He is always faithful.

"'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD." Jeremiah 29:12-14a

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ…"

"Since I'm confident of this very thing…He which hath begun…will perform." Philippians 1:6

I've wrestled with this verse for months. The question I always ask myself about it is, "What if you are a Christian, but you are not living for God, or you're doing something contrary to His will? Will He still "perform a good work in you until the day of Christ?" 

I think maybe I've been focusing on a question though, that can't ever be truly answered. At least, not in this life. I think a better way of looking at it is that it's not so much a question of will He do it but rather, how will I respond? God doesn't need me to do His will, as much as I like to think He does, as much as it gives me a false sense of importance that He does. He longs for me to love Him and do His will, but he doesn't need me to. And I think because I'm human I can't truly understand a longing that is void of need... 

Our behavior always has consequences and they can be good or bad. I think the answer to the question is this: God will carry out His will no matter what. However, if I want to be a part of what He's doing, if I want to be intimate with Him, if I want to please Him, if I want to be spiritually awake to the work He is doing, then I must seek Him. I can choose not to seek Him and because of that miss out on blessings, miss out on an amazing life of being intimate with Him, but He's still at  work in my life constantly. So the question is, how will I respond? Will I respond by giving my whole heart to Him and focus all of my time, energy, will, and emotion on seeking Him and His kingdom? Or will I be satisfied with just knowing that I'm saved? Many times I get so anxious that I'm doing things wrong and God won't continue to work in my life or that I'll do something to ruin what He has for me. But if I'm consistently pursuing Him, there's no way I'll miss out on what He's doing. Sure, there will be times I fall down, or will give into laziness, or selfishness. But my heart's deepest desire is to allow God to use me in whatever way He sees fit. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to a place of acceptance of what that usage is. But it truly is what I want the most. So the only thing to be concerned about is if I stop seeking Him. And, here's the best part, even then I can always run back to Him and start to seek Him again and He will always welcome me back. I think that's the reason I've struggled so long with this notion-because the idea of someone offering forgiveness and love and restoration each and every single time I or anyone else rejects Him or trades Him in for our own desires and idols….It's unheard of. It's insane! It doesn't make any sense… But it's such an astonishingly amazing thing. I can't even describe the peace and freedom it leaves me with. God is wondrous.