Streams in a Wasteland

I'm torn between the desire to write and the unlucky coincidence that my brain is seemingly void of insightful thoughts. That seems to be the great paradox of my life. Wanting to do something, yet not having focus enough to do it. Sometimes I think I have something akin to ADD because I'll get so excited about something or want to do something but I can't make myself sit still long enough to focus on the task needing to be done. 

I dusted off some of my old piano books this week. It's amazing what you forget when you don't practice anymore.
It brought back so many memories... You know when you find something you love and you invest a lot of time in it, and then, for whatever reason, you stop doing those things, you forget about them, and then several years later you remember that you forgot them? So you become reacquainted.  There's such a comfort in that familiar reverie. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but it makes me wonder why I ever stopped. I guess time creeps by, you become busy, too busy for the things you really love, and then you forget that you loved them, forget how much you loved them. Forget that, in some odd and mystical way, that thing seems to have the ability to love you too. Something that used to define such a huge part of you becomes lost. And as a result, a large part of you gets lost. I realize I was lost. I still am a little. I always will be. I think my life will always be a series of discovering again where I've unintentionally made my way to a place I never meant to go and then finding my way back to the right path. I want to make my way back to the love of playing. Music, and the love of it, is really quite a unique and esoteric thing. It's deep, almost as if it's encrypted into your genetic code. The English language doesn't have a satisfactory word for the following thought, but when you let yourself bask in this passion, it doesn't matter how challenging it is, because the result is worth it. I'm not fond of cliches -it seems lately I've been using a lot of them- but music is so much like love. You shouldn't forget to practice it. You shouldn't forget to live it. You shouldn't forget to be inspired by it. You shouldn't forget to revel in it. You shouldn't forget that to separate yourself from it means to put to death a large part of your heart. Such a large part of who I am has metaphorically been in a coma, for lack of a better description, for 6 years. But, I smile as I type this, I'm starting to stir. I'm a bit weak, nowhere near as strong as I used to be, but I'm animately existent. And the world, though at times daunting, seems like a much better place...

I'm sitting here at my dining room table, my favorite tea cup and saucer next to me {filled with Calm Tazo Tea, my favorite, and apple cider vinegar, not my favorite, but such is the life of an allergic convalescent like myself}, and with not much direction in regards to this post. I also have a nagging thought that I should be going to bed instead of writing, but I guess I'll sleep when I die. Or not, because I'll be in Heaven, and I don't think I'll want to sleep there.

This post is going to be more of a "What's been happening with me" post than a spiritual insights type of post.

Last Friday I started to feel under the weather and by Saturday I had acquired a full-blown sinus infection. AGAIN. I wanted to cry. I did, in fact. lol. I also had what I believe was an ear infection, as I had the worst ear pain I ever remember experiencing, on Saturday evening. I think I got one hour of sleep total that night. To be honest, the tears where in response to not only the pain, but the lack of sleep haha. So I decided that I need to make some drastic changes in my life because I cannot deal with having these nettlesome illnesses sprung on me at least once a month.

I did some research and apparently I'm going to have to seriously clean up my diet and stay away as much as I can from sugar, dairy, and wheat...the three main food groups. Haha kidding! But seriously, you don't realize how much you eat of something until you can't eat it anymore.

While I'm on the subject, this is the most draining and tiring case of sinusitis I think I've ever had. I probably say that each time but really, I laid in bed for four days and was still tired and drained after that. I also experienced more of "The Blues" than I usually do when I'm sick. It sucks when you're in that position because you are sick enough to be depressed and not well enough to be able to focus and tell yourself the right things. I tried several times to go to the Word but I felt like I just sat there and read and re-read things over and over and couldn't comprehend anything. And it's funny because you lay there and you just think to yourself, "Nothing means anything. Nothing is worth this. I'm never going to get better. I can't live like this". You would think I was man! {That's not a jab at men, I just mean everyone knows men are not good with being sick lol} I joked with my sister that if I ever had a terminal illness, I would not survive. My will to live isn't strong enough haha. I only had a sinus infection and I was ready to throw in the towel! It really made me respect more those people who do have serious conditions and are so strong and cheerful.

I say all of that to say, there's nothing quite like the feeling of relief when you wake up and realize you're not as bad as you were the day before. And I'm not sure what happened, but it was like I had this renewed sense of vigor over life. I wanted to do more with mine. Do some of those things I say I need to do, and do them because I want to, not because I should. 

Throughout that whole ordeal (even though I'm still not fully recovered) I kept asking God why I had to be sick. I know that sounds so petty and childish, but I won't apologize because I think God will use anything to bring us to those low points for a reason. I had just finished reading in a Bible study about how we see so little of God because we believe so little. I also learned that I tend to not ask God for things because I'm afraid of being disappointed when He doesn't answer the way I want. So I stay away from asking altogether, to avoid the disappointment and anger. Can I just say that you shouldn't do that? Even if you are like me, stubborn and willful, and so full of pride that you get angry when God doesn't do things the way you think He should do them. So anyway, because of all the things I had realized in my Bible study, on Saturday evening, when the pain was at it's worst, I kept praying for God to take it away. I knew that God could do it. {Incidentally, knowing that God can do something has never been a huge issue for me. It's wondering IF He'll do it that always gets me. Maybe that's why I get so angry when He doesn't answer the way I want-because I know He can and He's choosing not to. Pride.} And yet, there I was, all night and into the morning, clawing at my ear, barely able to breathe because of the congestion, and wondering, even though I knew in my logical mind that this was just a small thing, why God wouldn't take it away. You always hear about how God loves us as His children. His word is full of verses like that. It would seem that if God really loved me, He would make me feel better. He would make all of His children who hurt, feel better. And if He didn't heal them, He would work something miraculous to make the pain and hurt worth it all. But that didn't happen to me. I did get angry, but I also didn't quit seeking Him. Instead of giving up on Him in that area, I just kept asking Him to help me to see His purpose. I was talking with my mom the next day, telling her the situation, saying I didn't understand, and I believe the Holy Spirit spoke through her in that moment. She said, "When I used to get migraines all the time, I used to think God was punishing me. Now I know He wasn't punishing me.  He was trying to slow me down, and those times gave me opportunity to pray even more." It took me a while to think about those words, to process them. I had been praying the whole time, not only for myself but for other things and people. But the part that really hit me was when she said God used it to slow her down. You see, I've always wanted to be a jet setter. I've always wanted to be able to run the roads, lead an exciting life, do things for God all over the place. As I was pondering all of this, I realized, it may not be a bad thing to live a fast life, but it needs to be because God has a purpose in it, He's called me to it. I hadn't been doing a lot in the previous weeks, but I had been doing enough to keep me from spending time with Him. And I think He had to allow me to get sick so that I would be broken enough to listen to Him saying, "You may get to have a fast-paced, exciting life, you may not. But no matter what type of life you lead, you will get the grace to live it FROM ME AND ME ALONE. You think you can live how you want and only come to Me when you think you need Me. But just so you don't forget, you need Me all the time. Sick or not sick. During slow times and during busy times. In good times and in bad. In your weakness, I am strong." 

Unfortunately, this is a lesson I keep having to learn over and over again. But there is a familiar sense of comfort in being disciplined by God. God doesn't discipline to punish. He disciplines because He loves. He's more interested in what is truly good for me in the long run, not just the temporary comfort of good health. Now, I'm saying all of this while I'm on the way to being well. It's easier to convey when I'm feeling pretty good. But I think that's usually how I learn the lessons God teaches me. I go through something, don't understand the why, and then when I start to come out of "the thing", I start to learn "the lesson".

There are a few other little things that I think He is still trying to teach me and the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me, and I'm praying that no matter what He has to do, I'll learn it. One of my biggest fears is going through life and missing what He is trying to do in and around me! Pray for me, and I'll pray for you, that we wouldn't miss out on the revelation of the Holy Spirit and that we would live in a manner "worthy of the calling with which we are called."

I have to tell yall the coolest thing that happened last week at Passion. I decided that I would not write a blog post dedicated to Passion because for one, it would be way too long, and for two, I don't think I could remember it all at one time to write it down. So, I decided to write in the order that I remembered things.

What I'm about to tell you is one of my favorite things that happened. 

The morning of the last day at Passion, our community group leader asked whoever felt called that week at Passion to become a missionary to stand up. He then asked whoever had already felt called before Passion to be a missionary stand up as well. Then he had those of us who were left to pick a person and lay hands on them and pray. So I went to the guy closest to me. There were probably six of us laying hands on him and two of us prayed out loud. I prayed that he would have such a love for God and other people that any hardships he faced wouldn't sway him, I prayed that he would have strength and endurance to walk out his calling, that he wouldn't be afraid of any trials or hardships, etc. After prayer time was over I asked him what his name was so that I could continue to pray for him. He told me it was Jeremiah. I noticed that he couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. I immediately thought of the prophet Jeremiah. I've never read through the book of Jeremiah, I've only read bits and pieces of it. So when we went to sit back down, I found Jeremiah. I had to compose myself because I almost started crying when I read the first few verses. 


"Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
  Before you were born I sanctified you;
  I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”
Then said I:
 “Ah, Lord God!
   Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”
But the Lord said to me:
 “Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’
  For you shall go to all to whom I send you,
  And whatever I command you, you shall speak.
  Do not be afraid of their faces,
  For I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord." Jeremiah 1:4-8

I wanted to run over to this boy Jeremiah and ask him if he knew how significant his name was, and I wanted to tell him that he was living up to it! And I know in my spirit that he will continue to live up to his name. Some people do things because it's the popular thing to do, or it makes you look good, or whatever. But one look in his eyes and you could see all of the sincerity in the world and I just knew that he really was called by God and that He would live up to His calling. We learned that when Paul said to live in a manner worthy of your calling he used a word that actually meant "scale". The implication was that the way you live your life should equal the calling that has been placed on your life. They should balance. And this young man, Jeremiah, he is going to live in a manner worthy of his calling. 

This confirmed to me yet again how important our names are. Just the day before I had been struggling with my calling, and I went to pray at a station they had set up, and one of the three verses on the board was my verse! 

"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light!" 1 Peter 2:9

Then Joshua said to the people, “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.” Joshua 3:5 

Tomorrow I will be driving up to Atlanta Georgia to attend the Passion Conferences of 2013. I can't even describe the feeling of anticipation that I have. It's more than excitement. It's an urgent expectancy, waiting for God to show me "great and wonderful things which I do not know". I absolutely cannot wait for what the Lord is going to show me! And not just show me, but work in me. These past few months, and especially weeks, have been a sort of slow season for me. I haven't quite known what to make of it. Part of me thinks it's because I'm not trying hard enough to learn new things... but then part of me feels that this is God's hand on my life, keeping me calm and still before a flood of true heart change. I know that each day we have the opportunity to grow close to Him, everyday we need to be putting His Word into action. This is where the true fruit is produced... But it starts with a seed. A seed planted in a heart, watered and given light. And I feel that that is what Passion is going to be for me. The start of a new work. A heart work. I may not need to change my direction, I may need to. Only God knows. But I do know that He always wants to do a work in my heart. And I love that about Him. I know that He honors faithfulness and a pure heart. And I believe that most of the people in charge of Passion possess pure hearts, hearts that burn for Him. So I just know that with an event like this, that has been so prayed over, brought before the throne room constantly, I just know that He will use it. He is faithful. I'm so incredibly grateful to Him for raising up leaders who care enough to do whatever it takes to reach my generation and show them what it means to be a Christ follower. I want to have that kind of zeal for the Lord and for reaching other people. 
Whoever may be reading this, please pray for myself and all of us going to Passion 2013. Pray that God would teach us what it means to be a true Christ follower, one that never gives up, and one that will strive to be more like Him every day of our lives. 
Pray that He would fan the flame of desire for Him and desire to be more like Him, to know Him more, to be a light in the darkness, to be a city on a hill, burning brightly, not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God, unto salvation, to everyone who believes. 

See you at the Dome!!

Normally I try to stray away from things that are trending at the moment, but I think that it would do to devote a post in honor of the people that were so closely effected by the events that transpired in Connecticut this weekend. I confess, I haven't allowed myself to really put myself in their shoes because I know if I did, I would be in hysterics. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing, who knows? When I first heard the news, my reaction wasn't like most of the people's that I knew. I didn't cry. It didn't really seem real to me. Which sounds really harsh, but honestly I just didn't feel anything about it. My logical mind knew it was an extremely tragic event, but my feelings just weren't affected. Until a few days ago, for whatever reason. Maybe it just takes me a long time to process feelings. I'm not sure.

Anyways, until a few days ago I felt unusual praying for them, because it seemed so unreal. I prayed for the usual things, comfort, sense of God's presence, etc., but all of Friday I felt like there was something else that I should be praying for. It wasn't until Saturday afternoon as I was driving around (I tend to get epiphanies in the car for some reason) that I thought about what we had just finished studying in my College and Career small group. We just finished Genesis, and the end of Genesis looks at the life of Joseph. Joseph had a lot of horrible things happen to him. He was sold into slavery by his own brothers, worked his way up to an honorable position in a man of great power's home, then was thrown into jail for something he didn't do and stayed there for many years. Eventually God brought him out and he was able to save the nation of Egypt and many surrounding nations, as well as experience restoration between himself, his brothers, and the rest of his family. At the very end of Genesis he says something so profound. He says, "What you meant for evil, God meant for good". Simple words, yet in them is so much life. And it dawned on me as I was driving that this is what I needed to pray for in this situation. This was obviously an evil thing that happened. The man who did it meant it for evil. Satan meant it for evil. But God is bigger than both of them. God was never out of control. God can take this situation, that was meant to destroy people, and actually reverse it, to turn others toward Him and to offer life and hope. The Devil's biggest goal is to hurt God and draw people away from Him and His truth. But even in spite of that horrible, devastating event, the Devil does not have to win! God will always bring something good out of something terrible when it involves a child of His. I'm not saying this thing that happened is good. But I'm saying God can redeem the situation to bring good about. So, I challenge you, while you pray for comfort for these families, also pray that God would bring good out of this situation. I'll be doing the same.

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. So therefore, do not be afraid..." Genesis 50:20-21a

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28