Part 1 Perhaps?

I will probably write more later on but I wanted to get a few of my thoughts out before I went about my business for the day haha. I sound like an old person. What else is new?
         So anyways, yesterday as I was driving home for the weekend I was thinking about my life. Shocker right? I do some of my best thinking in my car. I think it's because I'm able to turn the worship music up and sing my heart out at the top of my lungs and then talk to God. And as I was talking, half out loud, half in my head, I started to make a little sense of what is going on right now. Little being the key word. I won't ever see the whole picture because I'm not God, but I think that He allowed me to see a few reasons for why I'm struggling right now. I think I'd better just number them off that way there is some semblance of order and it's just easier to read that way haha.
1.) He's teaching me to truly love others. With several people throughout this past year  I've had such a hard time letting go of what others have done to me. It may not have even been terrible things but because it hurt me, I held it against them. I think that we have to use discernment when it comes to our relationships with people but there comes a point when discernment can turn into cynicism and judging. And that's where I had been. It's incredibly hard to admit that, especially since my pride is screaming at me that what all of these people have done to me is wrong. However, look at how many hundreds of times a day I do the same thing to God. I hurt Him, I don't put Him first, I have a hard time trusting Him, I struggle with thinking that His way is best. And amazingly, holding onto the un-forgiveness makes me ten times more judgmental of myself, which is absolutely miserable because I'm a perfectionist anyway. Throw in un-forgiveness and you have a recipe for a depressed, bitter, cynical, hopeless Sarah. It was awful and still is, if I allow it to take hold of my mind. But! Now that I am (somewhat) aware of what is going on, I'm going to try that much harder to keep the mind of Christ. Which brings me to my next point.
2.) He's teaching me to trust Him NO MATTER WHAT! I think this must be a constant life lesson. It's kinda funny looking back on the last year and remembering when I could feel God or knowing when He was speaking to me and knowing that anytime I went to Him, I could receive a word from Him. I think this semester I have been trying to put Him in a box, make Him into a formula. I would tell myself that if I did everything just right, if I had just the right attitude, if I read all the right things, if I remembered all the right thoughts, then God would speak to me. And as is evidence by several of my previous blog posts, He's hard to find right now. And I've been wracking my brain, wondering why it is so hard to know that He's near, to sense His presence. And I think it is because of my emotions. I was so very emotional last semester but God knew that I needed Him and He made Himself real to me. This semester, I'm still quite emotional, though I would say not as much as before. But I think that He wants to teach me that no matter what I'm feeling, He's still there, still in control, still has a plan for my good, that no matter how I'm feeling my life still means something. But that's a post for another day :) I know the devil is trying to keep me from growing close to God by discouraging me. But he is not going to win. I've decided that no matter how I'm feeling, I'm still going to praise God. It's going to be a struggle and since I've decided to do that, things have gotten even harder (emotionally). But I'm not stopping until I have victory. The devil is not going to win. I was so concerned that I was doing something wrong. And maybe I am. But I trust that God will show me if I am. And in the meantime I'm still going to seek Him. I've been listening to a song by Hillsong called Desert Song. The lyrics are perfect.
Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow