Streams in a Wasteland

I shouldn't be up this late, especially not writing. I have to be up in 5 hours and facing a day that will be quite full. But there'll be plenty of time to sleep when I die, right? Psych!! I won't sleep when I die. I'll be in a place where you never get tired yesssssssss. And that's what you call a Jesus Juke. You can read all about those here.
Anyways, the point of this post tonight, and I don't even know if I will get to it now, because I'm feeling a little loopy in light of the late hour, is to tell you something really awesome that God did for me this week. Or maybe I should say, did in me, or to me. I don't know. But I think I'll save it for tomorrow or when I have more time because I'm tired all of the sudden. Goodnight :)

Do yall ever get tired of the message that is constantly reverberating everywhere by our society that you just have to try harder? I do... I know in life we have to work hard for what we want but... I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if maybe certain things are really hard because we weren't meant to do them. I can't give you any specific scenarios. That would be telling ;) I know that without hard work, the gratification you get from a task or accomplishment is almost nonexistent. But what happens when you strive so hard for things that you don't find enjoyment in them? You just do them because you should, or to "keep up", or to make a name for yourself, or to be as good as everyone else? Then, is it a matter of ceasing striving or is it a matter of adjusting your focus? I would say probably the latter. The things that I strive for, I genuinely do want. However, many times the amount of time and work that it takes to cultivate whatever it is I'm pursuing causes me to reevaluate. I don't want to be one of those people who just gives up when the going gets tough. I hate that. But I also don't want to be one of those people who can't just let things go. Alas, I don't really have any answers tonight. Maybe if life would just slow down a little...

³⁰ "God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection." - Psalm 18:30

Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a thinker. In fact, the majority of them would say I'm an over-thinker. That may be true. I don't like to think of myself that way. I like to think of it as me trying to be smarter and to figure things in life out- why they happen, what I can do to change or grow, what I need to do to protect myself, what I need to do to allow God to mold me, etc. But the problem I seem to have is that when I constantly think of all the things I think about, a lot of times I don't get anywhere. Sure, I think of all kinds of new things, all kinds of possibilities, all kinds of answers which lead to more questions. But as far as finding peace and satisfaction in an answer, well that rarely happens. Naturally, I thought about it (haha) and I've inferred that the problem has to do with Discernment. I want to have discernment, which is most of the reason why I think about everything all the time. But where is the line drawn between trying to figure something out and having discernment? What I mean is, sometimes I'll try to figure things out so hard that I think of all the "what if's" and I try to make sense of everything and I do it because I want to be wise. I don't want to make the same mistakes and if I can prevent something in the future by understanding something now, I want to. But many times these thought processes just go round and round and don't seem to help. So how do you know when to let an issue "be" or to truly seek it out and ponder it?

*Sidenote* Actually, I guess it's an above note.* I've been contemplating several verses for the past year or so and I cannot come up with a definite answer. But I'm not going to quit wrestling with them until I get an answer. More to come on that later.

Today I was in class thinking, trying to make sense of life and getting nowhere when all of the sudden a thought occurred to me and I had to write it down immediately. I'm not sure if the thought is completely sound, but it seemed to be something that maybe the Holy Spirit was telling me so I thought I'd share...

"When the reason something is happening to or in you is beyond your comprehension and seems to be out of your control, maybe it's because that is the only way God can bring about a specific result in your life-through something that seems to make no sense at all. God seems to specialize in things that make no sense at all (no sense according to my standards, obviously). After all, what kind of sense did it make for Jesus to suffer and die on a cross? Until the resurrection-then the reason why was made gloriously clear." 

Yeah, I know it's been a while..
So anyway, you know which Psalm I really like? The thirtieth one. It's probably one of my favs. I'm just gonna go ahead and post it cause I can't try to summarize all the awesomeness.

Psalm 30
I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up, and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down into the pit. Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Now in my prosperity I said, "I shall never be moved." Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong; You hid Your face, and I was troubled. I cried out to You, O Lord; and to the Lord I made my supplication: "What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it declare Your truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!" You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever! 

There are so many awesome verses in this work, but I particularly love the last two. And for like ever, up until today, I've never felt that I could rightfully claim those verses as my own. The main reason is that I still mourn over certain things. There is never a time when I can't think of something that has happened or that I'm struggling with that won't make me feel incredibly sad or mournful. And I always thought, "Well, since I still mourn or experience sadness, since I still struggle with various things, I can't claim those verses. I would love to be able to, and I hope to one day, but right now I can't." I felt that proclaiming those verses as how I felt would be lying and that I wouldn't be being (weird combo of words) honest. But today when I was reading this Psalm, a thought came into my mind. It dawned on me that maybe things don't have to be completely well with me in order for Jesus to turn my sorrow and distress into dancing. Maybe things don't have to be perfect or happy for me to receive a garment of praise. Maybe that's the beauty of it-that there will always be a reason not to dance and rejoice, but through Christ we can. I'm not going to lie, the thought seems rather precarious to me and I tread gingerly on it, only because I know how easy it is for me to sink back into my sorrows. But maybe....just maybe... Jesus has already turned my mourning into dancing and He's waiting for me to join Him. Maybe the band is ready, maybe I'm dressed in a beautiful gown, and maybe He's watching me, waiting with hand held out, ready to lift up my face to meet His eyes, ready to sweep me away in His arms and lead me onto the dance floor...

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness for mourning, the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. (Isaiah 61: 1-3)