I think God knows that sometimes I have a really hard time dealing with my emotions and feelings surrounding my life, so He allows crazy things to happen to shake me up, to where I don't really have much of a choice except to let everything out. I know it's all part of healing, but it's difficult to face and feel the sad stuff...
I love the wording of this translation. It's Young's Literal Translation.
"Near is Jehovah to the broken of heart, and the bruised of spirit He saveth." Psalm 34:18
A bruised spirit is good wording. Sometimes that's just how it feels. Tender and sore, and if anything or anyone presses on it, it hurts. Sometimes people cause the bruises. Sometimes life happening cause the bruises. It's there and won't go away for a while. Yet, God is nearest to those who have them, He saves them. Sometimes the best comfort is being hurt and having Jesus there to hold you...
I love the wording of this translation. It's Young's Literal Translation.
"Near is Jehovah to the broken of heart, and the bruised of spirit He saveth." Psalm 34:18
A bruised spirit is good wording. Sometimes that's just how it feels. Tender and sore, and if anything or anyone presses on it, it hurts. Sometimes people cause the bruises. Sometimes life happening cause the bruises. It's there and won't go away for a while. Yet, God is nearest to those who have them, He saves them. Sometimes the best comfort is being hurt and having Jesus there to hold you...
Good Grief
Yes. I am dedicating a blog post to this quote. It's really weird actually because I was just formulating in my mind an idea for a blog post right before I sat down to my computer and then the second site that I visited had this picture. I took it as a sign.
So what I'm going to write about has to do with exactly what he said: feelings and society's stipulations of them. To be more specific, cultural stipulations. I believe that every different town of the world, not just countries, have their own culture. I always sort of knew this, but this past week I really experienced it. I've visited a decent amount of places throughout my lifetime and encountered several different cultures. They've all had an impact on me, but New York City probably had the biggest impact of all. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting it at all but it really changed me. While I'm writing this I can't help thinking about the trip I took to Honduras this past February. I was expecting to be changed on that trip. But I wasn't. Sure, I had a great time, I loved being able to help out, and I learned a few lessons. But I wouldn't say that it was necessarily life changing. And maybe that's because I was expecting it to be.
But going to New York was.
I noticed something that I've thought long and hard about before, but it was like the fog suddenly cleared and I finally realized.
It's ok to be passionate about something.
I can't tell you how many times I've stifled my feelings of passion toward something because other people or the culture that I'm surrounded by would have thought it was "uncool". It's "uncool" to show that you care about something, it's "uncool" to love something, it's "uncool" to be vulnerable and share your vision, it's "uncool" to want to devote your time and effort to something, unless it's like, a sport or becoming a doctor (No offense to athletes or doctors). But being in New York, and especially visiting Arrojo salon and Hillsong Church just really shook me up and made me realize, it's ok to love something and to be passionate about it! In fact, look at the most successful and dynamic people you know. The people that make a difference in other people's lives. They didn't get that way by going with the flow and following the trends and liking what everyone else thinks is cool. They got that way because they loved and believed in what they were passionate about.
I know that I just "do hair". I know in most people's eyes, that's not a very worthy profession. And I really have struggled with that for a long time. And I know I still will at times. But I'm not going to act anymore like what I do isn't important. I do have something to offer. I can give others my time, I can be a servant to them, I can make them feel welcome and at ease, I can make them feel good about themselves, I can give them an experience each time they come to me that makes them feel good inside and out, and I can listen to them. After all, isn't that what Jesus does for us? Serves us, lifts us up, makes us feel welcome, accepted, and beautiful? (To any guys who may be reading this, whatever your equivalent of feeling safe, loved, and desirable is lol).
I want to do all that I do to the glory of God. I'm still trying to figure out how doing hair fits into that whole picture, but I know it fits somewhere. And I know that God is faithful. He'll show me in His time. And I'm really excited about that. I used to think it was music. I wanted it to be music. And I still think music is going to fit into the picture somehow. But right now, at this point in time, at this part in the story that God is writing, it's the beauty industry. And I'm really starting to be daring and actually love it. And you know what? I hope that you, whoever you are, reading this, I hope that you can find something that you can be passionate about and do with your whole heart and soul. :)
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31
"And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." Colossians 3:17
22
This post may be a little late in coming but better late than never. Since I recently had a birthday, I wanted to dedicate a blog post to things I've learned in the past year about life and myself. It may be a little jumbled, because some of the things I've learned are things I've been learning for not only the past year, but the past several years. So if you're reading this, please bear with me.
Biggest Lessons Learned
I've learned so much about perseverance. This has been one of those ongoing, year to year lessons, but I've especially learned a lot about it in school this year. Sticking with something even though you hate it, even though every day is a struggle to get out of bed and go, and not just go, but to have a good attitude, because you know in the end, it will get you to where you need to be. I'm not finished with school yet, but I feel like now it is a little easier. And I'm stronger for it, because I've done stuff that I haven't felt like doing at all. I guess you could say I've developed a little more discipline. A little.
I've also learned a little more about taking advantage of opportunities I'm given. And I don't mean the big, once in a lifetime opportunities that we tend to focus on, although those are super important too. I mean the little things every day that give me the chance to really live and appreciate life. To quit waiting for something "better" to come along and to seize what has already been given to me. Getting out of my comfort zone, or my "zoned out" zone, and waking up! Quit waiting for life to get better and start making it better. Not like a control freak, but like someone who has a purpose for living. Because if I'm are still alive, there's a reason. This is a lesson I'm praying that God will keep showing me more about and keep working on my heart to change to be more "in the moment".
Biggest Achievement
I think my biggest achievement and the one I'm the happiest about, although it may not seem like that big of a deal, is that I grew as a musician. Being in a praise band really stretched me to be able to learn how to play with others and it was so fun! At the beginning, I couldn't read hardly any chords. Now, I can play pretty much any chord and I've learned how to add more and be a bit more creative :) (This is still an area that I would love to grow much more in though.)
Another achievement that I'm pretty proud of is that I ran my first 10k race. I wasn't able to run the whole thing through, but I did run almost all of it, and going from a girl who 2 years ago couldn't even run a mile to running 6.2, it's kind of a big deal to me, so I'm pretty proud of it.
Biggest Regret
My biggest regret would be anytime I wasted opportunities for growth or just coasted through days. I also regret not being passionate enough about myself, my purpose, and my work, enough to put in the effort it takes to be great. Being in New York this weekend inspired me to take pride in myself and what I do, and not to compare myself to others, but to do what I do because I believe in it. This goes for all aspects of my life.
Biggest Goals For the Next Year
1. To wake up everyday with renewed purpose. This mindset will have to be from God, and so I want to start out every day remembering that it's from Him, and if I'm still alive, He wants to use me. If I believe that, then I will set time aside to spend with Him and grow in Him. I want to be completely faithful and not waste any time.
2. To grow in my profession and image. I want to be passionate about what I do and I want to be excellent at it. This takes time, effort, diligence, and patience, all of which I have a hard time with. But I want to start viewing them as opportunities to make myself better and to be more successful, not for anyone else, but for me.
3. To truly love people. Self-explanatory. I want to have an endless love for others, the way that Christ does, and I want to be brave enough and humble enough to act on it.
4. To know God, to love Him with all of my heart, and to live in the power of His Spirit every single day. I don't want to waste anything He's given. I want Him to be everything.
So these are my reflections and goals. Sometimes when I look back at my life it feels like I haven't accomplished anything. I turned 22 last week, and I feel that I don't have much to show for it. However, God has done much in me and I want Him to do so much more. I'm looking forward to what He has next, whatever it may be. And I need you all to hold me accountable. If you don't mind, check on me every now and again, ask me if I'm living each day with renewed purpose. I would really appreciate it :)
"We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are..."
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it on my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19
Biggest Lessons Learned
I've learned so much about perseverance. This has been one of those ongoing, year to year lessons, but I've especially learned a lot about it in school this year. Sticking with something even though you hate it, even though every day is a struggle to get out of bed and go, and not just go, but to have a good attitude, because you know in the end, it will get you to where you need to be. I'm not finished with school yet, but I feel like now it is a little easier. And I'm stronger for it, because I've done stuff that I haven't felt like doing at all. I guess you could say I've developed a little more discipline. A little.
I've also learned a little more about taking advantage of opportunities I'm given. And I don't mean the big, once in a lifetime opportunities that we tend to focus on, although those are super important too. I mean the little things every day that give me the chance to really live and appreciate life. To quit waiting for something "better" to come along and to seize what has already been given to me. Getting out of my comfort zone, or my "zoned out" zone, and waking up! Quit waiting for life to get better and start making it better. Not like a control freak, but like someone who has a purpose for living. Because if I'm are still alive, there's a reason. This is a lesson I'm praying that God will keep showing me more about and keep working on my heart to change to be more "in the moment".
Biggest Achievement
I think my biggest achievement and the one I'm the happiest about, although it may not seem like that big of a deal, is that I grew as a musician. Being in a praise band really stretched me to be able to learn how to play with others and it was so fun! At the beginning, I couldn't read hardly any chords. Now, I can play pretty much any chord and I've learned how to add more and be a bit more creative :) (This is still an area that I would love to grow much more in though.)
Another achievement that I'm pretty proud of is that I ran my first 10k race. I wasn't able to run the whole thing through, but I did run almost all of it, and going from a girl who 2 years ago couldn't even run a mile to running 6.2, it's kind of a big deal to me, so I'm pretty proud of it.
Biggest Regret
My biggest regret would be anytime I wasted opportunities for growth or just coasted through days. I also regret not being passionate enough about myself, my purpose, and my work, enough to put in the effort it takes to be great. Being in New York this weekend inspired me to take pride in myself and what I do, and not to compare myself to others, but to do what I do because I believe in it. This goes for all aspects of my life.
Biggest Goals For the Next Year
1. To wake up everyday with renewed purpose. This mindset will have to be from God, and so I want to start out every day remembering that it's from Him, and if I'm still alive, He wants to use me. If I believe that, then I will set time aside to spend with Him and grow in Him. I want to be completely faithful and not waste any time.
2. To grow in my profession and image. I want to be passionate about what I do and I want to be excellent at it. This takes time, effort, diligence, and patience, all of which I have a hard time with. But I want to start viewing them as opportunities to make myself better and to be more successful, not for anyone else, but for me.
3. To truly love people. Self-explanatory. I want to have an endless love for others, the way that Christ does, and I want to be brave enough and humble enough to act on it.
4. To know God, to love Him with all of my heart, and to live in the power of His Spirit every single day. I don't want to waste anything He's given. I want Him to be everything.
So these are my reflections and goals. Sometimes when I look back at my life it feels like I haven't accomplished anything. I turned 22 last week, and I feel that I don't have much to show for it. However, God has done much in me and I want Him to do so much more. I'm looking forward to what He has next, whatever it may be. And I need you all to hold me accountable. If you don't mind, check on me every now and again, ask me if I'm living each day with renewed purpose. I would really appreciate it :)
"We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are..."
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it on my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19
My post today will probably be quite short and it will have no trace of intelligence or lessons learned. I just felt like talking. Is it weird to say talking since I'm actually typing? Whatevs...
Anyways, so I've been pretty sick for the past two days, which is super annoying because it's a sinus infection. I HATE sinus infections. Truth be told, I would rather have the flu. No, I'm not exaggerating. I would rather be vomiting my guts up than to walk around with no voice, head feeling like it weighs fifty pounds, and chest congestion. The chest congestion is the worst, because not only does it feel like something is pressing down on you constantly, it produces this uncontrollable, totally useless cough. And no sooner are you done coughing then you need to cough again, not to clear your throat, but because if you don't, you will choke. Yeah, I'm probably complaining now, but it's all good.
I was just observing to myself that when I get sick like this, it seems like I will never get better. Which is ridiculous because I always eventually get better, but it seriously never fails to make me feel like I'll always be sick. And every time I develop a sinus infection I always say, "I will never eat so poorly or treat my body so terribly again!". And the sickness waits until I've just forgotten that, and then BAM! It pops up again. So here I am, wallowing in self-pity because I hate being sick. How's your life? :)
I saw Skyfall tonight. It was very well done, but to me, all the James Bond movies are exactly the same. And I don't mean to be a kill joy, because I do love the action, but I get so put off by how they portray this guy. Like he's the end all, be all, the epitome of what a successful, awesome man is. Yet, he is constantly using women. And I'm not saying the women aren't the same way. They allow themselves to be used. But I guess because I'm a woman, I see the deeper side of why they let themselves be used. And I know it's just a movie. But the older I get, the more I see the same effects of all this stuff in real life. And it's so very sad to me. My idea of an awesome man is not someone who can fight and kill and seduce any woman he wants. I just don't get the appeal. I mean, I do. But, it's so useless to me. It doesn't work. All it produces is baggage, mistrust, and bitterness. They never show that in the movies though...
Anyways, sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. On the bright side, I'm leaving for New York City this week. I haven't even begun to pack :/ Kind of dreading that, actually. It's going to be fun and it's a really cool story how God provided for that. I'll have to write about it soon.
Well, I took some Nyquil a little while ago and now my brain is acting even more slowly than it usually does and my words are starting to run together so I will say goodnight. Goodnight! :)
Anyways, so I've been pretty sick for the past two days, which is super annoying because it's a sinus infection. I HATE sinus infections. Truth be told, I would rather have the flu. No, I'm not exaggerating. I would rather be vomiting my guts up than to walk around with no voice, head feeling like it weighs fifty pounds, and chest congestion. The chest congestion is the worst, because not only does it feel like something is pressing down on you constantly, it produces this uncontrollable, totally useless cough. And no sooner are you done coughing then you need to cough again, not to clear your throat, but because if you don't, you will choke. Yeah, I'm probably complaining now, but it's all good.
I was just observing to myself that when I get sick like this, it seems like I will never get better. Which is ridiculous because I always eventually get better, but it seriously never fails to make me feel like I'll always be sick. And every time I develop a sinus infection I always say, "I will never eat so poorly or treat my body so terribly again!". And the sickness waits until I've just forgotten that, and then BAM! It pops up again. So here I am, wallowing in self-pity because I hate being sick. How's your life? :)
I saw Skyfall tonight. It was very well done, but to me, all the James Bond movies are exactly the same. And I don't mean to be a kill joy, because I do love the action, but I get so put off by how they portray this guy. Like he's the end all, be all, the epitome of what a successful, awesome man is. Yet, he is constantly using women. And I'm not saying the women aren't the same way. They allow themselves to be used. But I guess because I'm a woman, I see the deeper side of why they let themselves be used. And I know it's just a movie. But the older I get, the more I see the same effects of all this stuff in real life. And it's so very sad to me. My idea of an awesome man is not someone who can fight and kill and seduce any woman he wants. I just don't get the appeal. I mean, I do. But, it's so useless to me. It doesn't work. All it produces is baggage, mistrust, and bitterness. They never show that in the movies though...
Anyways, sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. On the bright side, I'm leaving for New York City this week. I haven't even begun to pack :/ Kind of dreading that, actually. It's going to be fun and it's a really cool story how God provided for that. I'll have to write about it soon.
Well, I took some Nyquil a little while ago and now my brain is acting even more slowly than it usually does and my words are starting to run together so I will say goodnight. Goodnight! :)
Word
I'm a huge advocate for being in the Word, but not for the reasons you'd probably expect. I think a lot of people believe that you just need to be in the Word because as a Christian you're "supposed" to, or because it will somehow make you live better, or because you need a list of rules, etc.
And I used to be one of those types of people.
As a result, I lived in constant failure. I wasn't looking to the Word to give me life, I just did it because it was the "right thing" to do. Eventually, doing something out of obligation will cause you more guilt than you want to deal with or it will become so dull that you will stop.
But now, ever since God revealed some of what it means to have Him as my First Love, being in God's Word means so much more to me. It's God speaking to me! Showing me what He's like, letting me in on His ways, sharing things about Himself. I think we all want that, but we tend to look for it in people. People are great, and people can complete part of us. I believe that God has wonderful purpose in relationships between people. But they will always disappoint. Perfect satisfaction and intimacy comes from God.
Do you believe that?
Like, really believe it?
What if we actually got that?
What if we understood that the God of the universe, who created us, who created the world, who raised Jesus to life, wants us to know Him intimately, and to be completely and intimately known by Him?
Like, what if the reason we got in the Word wasn't just to improve ourselves, but to find out about this awesome God who we claim to have a relationship with?
I can tell you this much, when I'm not in His Word, my relationship with Him suffers greatly. No, it's not that I have this feeling of guilt and so the relationship suffers. It's not because I haven't been "getting my fix" that I've become used to.
It's because I forget. I forget what He's like. I forget how much He loves and cares for me. I forget what He does. I forget to know Him.
I like to think about it in terms of human relationships, because it's easier to grasp that way. I know everyone uses that example, but just go with me there for a minute.
What if you claimed to be in a relationship with someone, but you rarely spoke to them, you rarely set aside time during the week to spend with them, you didn't really think of them throughout the day, you didn't really try to get to know them? You just assumed you already knew everything there was to know and that's it, or you waited until it would be more convenient to make the effort. What type of relationship would that be? It wouldn't be one at all. It would be one in name only, which in my opinion, is totally useless, even more useless than doing away with the thing altogether.
I see our faith the same way. What good is this relationship with Jesus if we don't make the effort? What good is it if we claim to be in love with Him, yet we don't even know Him? Don't even try to find out what He's like by reading about Him, don't even spend quality, uninterrupted time to just soak in His presence and all He has done for us? Can we even, with a clear conscience, say that we have a relationship with Him? I guess maybe we could...but that sounds to me like the loneliest, saddest, most disappointing relationship you could be in. It sucks to be in a relationship like that. And we weren't made for that.
We were made to know and be known. Completely.
If you claim Jesus, find out about Him. See what He's like. Read about His Father. Ask Him to open your eyes to the wonder of His great love. Ask Him to show you what this is all about.
It's one thing to know about God. It's another thing entirely to know God. We won't know everything about Him until we reach eternity. But we can know Him here. We can experience Him here. And trust me when I tell you, even though it's difficult, it's the most rewarding thing ever to love Him. It's what we were made to do...
Audacious Faith
You want me to let you in on a little secret? I've started like, 3 blog posts over the past 3 weeks, yet I couldn't seem to organize any of them in a concise way. This one included. So this will probably be pretty random and not very well structured.
So anyways, I like that word-audacious. It's the type of faith I really, really want, but don't seem to possess. Yet. The faith I do have, the faith that usually feels even smaller than that of a mustard seed, gives me hope that maybe one day I'll have faith that is completely unexplainable. I can tell that God is working on me though and it's pretty awesome to see. Let me tell you a little bit about it.
For probably the past year, my recurring prayer has been that God would build my faith. It's always been really lacking and I got so tired of it, so I kept asking (and keep asking) Him to do whatever it takes to build it up. I knew if I asked this that God wouldn't just zap me and say, "Have ye faith!" and I would have faith. I knew that if I asked Him this thing, that He would probably give me opportunities to exercise faith. I guess it's kind of like a muscle. The less you use it, the more useless it becomes. But the more you use it, the stronger it becomes, the more you are able to do with it. So I've had various opportunities to have faith in God. Some opportunities I failed, some I succeeded. But I had somewhat of a revelation last week.
The women's Bible study that I'm involved in has been studying about believing God. Not just believing in Him, but believing Him. So two weeks ago the session that we had was somewhat random but the thing that I took from it was that I was going to start asking God for big things. I'm sure you're thinking, "BFD, everyone asks for stuff from God", and you would be right. But whenever I ask God for big things, and they don't happen immediately, I assume God is irritated that I dared ask that and I had better stop. But our Bible study teacher presented it in the light of a little child asking something really crazy and big of parent. Something so ridiculous and audacious, that the parent gets so tickled about it that they can't stop laughing. They get a kick out of the kid, that he thinks his parent could do something so outrageous. And the Bible study teacher suggested that God could very well be like that. When we ask for something outrageous, instead of being irritated, He may be thinking, "You know, I can't give you that because it wouldn't turn out the best way, but that's pretty awesome that you think enough of Me to ask for something like that." And it just really gave me the courage to start praying for big things and expecting God to answer. He won't always give me the big things I ask for, but it's better to ask and get a no, then to live my whole life afraid to ask anything of Him and therefore not seeing any results.
So, through a series of events that led me to some pretty exciting prospects about the future, I started asking God for big things last week. And the cool thing is that He keeps affirming to me over and over again that He can do it. He might not, but then again, He might! And just because He may not give me the specific thing I asked for, that doesn't mean that He doesn't have something just as big, just different. But how will I know if I don't ask? "For without faith it is impossible to believe God, for anyone who comes to Him must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him". I want to be rewarded for my faith, but this verse has caused me all kinds of inner turmoil throughout my life. Wanna know why? Because most times, I have many, many doubts. And I used to think (and by 'used to', I mean since like last week) that if I had doubts, I didn't have faith. But God revealed to me that faith is not the absence of doubt! It's the pressing on despite the doubts and keeping the faith. This realization has opened up so much of God to me, because I realized I don't have to feel like I believe 100% in order to still believe! Like the centurion, I can say "I do believe! But please God, help my unbelief." I can still please God by my faith, even though doubt is still present. And as He reveals more about Himself, I'm hoping that less and less unbelief will be present, and more and more faith will grow. Incidentally, I would be a very happy camper if God took away my doubts. But even if He doesn't, I'll still believe. I want to be able to say at the end of my life, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
So, I say all of that to say, God is building my faith! Just like I asked Him too! It's hard, it's not glamorous by any means at all, and if I weren't paying attention it would be so easy to miss! I'm sure there are parts of it that I do miss. But it's so awesome to see God keep His word and stay faithful. He's really awesome.
"DO NOT fear, for I AM WITH YOU. DO NOT anxiously look about you, for I AM YOUR GOD. I WILL strengthen you, SURELY I WILL help you, SURELY I WILL uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
So anyways, I like that word-audacious. It's the type of faith I really, really want, but don't seem to possess. Yet. The faith I do have, the faith that usually feels even smaller than that of a mustard seed, gives me hope that maybe one day I'll have faith that is completely unexplainable. I can tell that God is working on me though and it's pretty awesome to see. Let me tell you a little bit about it.
For probably the past year, my recurring prayer has been that God would build my faith. It's always been really lacking and I got so tired of it, so I kept asking (and keep asking) Him to do whatever it takes to build it up. I knew if I asked this that God wouldn't just zap me and say, "Have ye faith!" and I would have faith. I knew that if I asked Him this thing, that He would probably give me opportunities to exercise faith. I guess it's kind of like a muscle. The less you use it, the more useless it becomes. But the more you use it, the stronger it becomes, the more you are able to do with it. So I've had various opportunities to have faith in God. Some opportunities I failed, some I succeeded. But I had somewhat of a revelation last week.
The women's Bible study that I'm involved in has been studying about believing God. Not just believing in Him, but believing Him. So two weeks ago the session that we had was somewhat random but the thing that I took from it was that I was going to start asking God for big things. I'm sure you're thinking, "BFD, everyone asks for stuff from God", and you would be right. But whenever I ask God for big things, and they don't happen immediately, I assume God is irritated that I dared ask that and I had better stop. But our Bible study teacher presented it in the light of a little child asking something really crazy and big of parent. Something so ridiculous and audacious, that the parent gets so tickled about it that they can't stop laughing. They get a kick out of the kid, that he thinks his parent could do something so outrageous. And the Bible study teacher suggested that God could very well be like that. When we ask for something outrageous, instead of being irritated, He may be thinking, "You know, I can't give you that because it wouldn't turn out the best way, but that's pretty awesome that you think enough of Me to ask for something like that." And it just really gave me the courage to start praying for big things and expecting God to answer. He won't always give me the big things I ask for, but it's better to ask and get a no, then to live my whole life afraid to ask anything of Him and therefore not seeing any results.
So, through a series of events that led me to some pretty exciting prospects about the future, I started asking God for big things last week. And the cool thing is that He keeps affirming to me over and over again that He can do it. He might not, but then again, He might! And just because He may not give me the specific thing I asked for, that doesn't mean that He doesn't have something just as big, just different. But how will I know if I don't ask? "For without faith it is impossible to believe God, for anyone who comes to Him must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him". I want to be rewarded for my faith, but this verse has caused me all kinds of inner turmoil throughout my life. Wanna know why? Because most times, I have many, many doubts. And I used to think (and by 'used to', I mean since like last week) that if I had doubts, I didn't have faith. But God revealed to me that faith is not the absence of doubt! It's the pressing on despite the doubts and keeping the faith. This realization has opened up so much of God to me, because I realized I don't have to feel like I believe 100% in order to still believe! Like the centurion, I can say "I do believe! But please God, help my unbelief." I can still please God by my faith, even though doubt is still present. And as He reveals more about Himself, I'm hoping that less and less unbelief will be present, and more and more faith will grow. Incidentally, I would be a very happy camper if God took away my doubts. But even if He doesn't, I'll still believe. I want to be able to say at the end of my life, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
So, I say all of that to say, God is building my faith! Just like I asked Him too! It's hard, it's not glamorous by any means at all, and if I weren't paying attention it would be so easy to miss! I'm sure there are parts of it that I do miss. But it's so awesome to see God keep His word and stay faithful. He's really awesome.
"DO NOT fear, for I AM WITH YOU. DO NOT anxiously look about you, for I AM YOUR GOD. I WILL strengthen you, SURELY I WILL help you, SURELY I WILL uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
My Sentiments Exactly
A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask why this road?
Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far I must go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road
A million miles away from anything familliar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured 'cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask why this road?
Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road
From here I cannot see why You'd choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why
You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe you haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask why this road?
Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far I must go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road
A million miles away from anything familliar
What was it like to be so far from home
And though You came in love the world misunderstood You
There must have been some days when You felt so alone
But You endured 'cause there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask why this road?
Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road
From here I cannot see why You'd choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe that You know why
You know why this road
Why this way and this load
You know how far I must go
'Til I see
'Til I know why this road
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