15 Years
Sarah
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. I wondered why, since the storm had already passed. We didn’t lose power, no excess flooding, and from what I could see out the window from my bed, no trees had fallen, no text saying people I loved weren’t ok. So why did I feel this unexplainable weight? And then I remembered the date.
October 11, 2018.
15 years ago my dad died.
After all this time it sounds like such a normal and insignificant sentence to write. Lots of people’s dad’s die. Death is part of life. It happens to everyone eventually.
And yet, for me its monumental. It’s overwhelming. It’s crushing on this day.
I started to feel guilt for feeling so sad this morning. Life goes on. I think, “It’s been a while. You should be ok by now.”
But I’m not.
In fact, sometimes I feel like it gets harder and harder as time goes on. Because while everything continues on around you and people have moved on with their lives, it still feels fresh and raw. On this day, there’s a little part of me that just wants to look around and say, “Why isn’t everyone stopping what they’re doing? Why are we not grieving what happened? Why is time still moving?” But that’s just grief. It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t rationally remember that other people have their own things to deal with.
And another thing. It starts to feel silly that you are defined by something that happened so long ago. It feels wrong. Almost shameful. Like you should grow up and get over it.
But my brain won’t let me. My heart won’t either. I know that’s a good thing.
But it makes Autumn such a hard season to bear.
I have this weird war within me during this season. I used to love the Fall. I loved the leaves colors, the moody weather, the anticipation of the holidays, that feeling of change from the harsh heat and sun of the Summer. However, the older I get the more I seem to dread this season. I want so much to hold onto those warm feelings that I used to get, but they seem to elude me. Gone is the comfort of seeing the leaves move from green to orange, red, and yellow, gone is the happiness of having cozy gray skies, gone even is the delight of the holidays or the fun of cold weather. It is most often replaced with dread, and wondering how soon it will all be over, knowing that I have to fight to cling to the hope that won’t be obvious until Spring.
There’s also another weird war going on where I want to acknowledge that I am partly defined by my loss, yet I don’t even want to remember that it happened. It’s like, it’s such a big part of me, but after talking about it over the years it almost feels like it should be insignificant. But it isn’t. And it never should be. My brain just seems to war between extremes.
Traumatic events, I’ve learned, have such a big impact on the brain. The more time passes the more I see the effects of these events, specifically this one. It’s often very hard to know how to deal with them but I’m learning how. I think it will be a long battle, one I will probably have to fight my entire life. I’m not trying to be a downer, just honest. I’m wired to respond to sincerity, authenticity, and honesty. Maybe I’m not the only one. Anything else just feels cheap and useless.
There’s a lot more I could say about today, about dad, about death, about grief, but I’m out of practice. So here’s the bottom line.
“I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is
I have forgotten what prosperity is
So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.”
for the salvation of the Lord.”
Lamentations 3:17-26
10:41 AM
February Goals
Sarah
I realize this post is coming a little late. And by little I mean a lot. I just wanted to give a quick update on my January goals and post my February goals!
January:
Tithe consistently-I haven't tithed very consistently, but I haven't let any time go by in which I have not tithed on my full amount I made at work. So, I am 3 weeks behind on tithing, but I have added up those three weeks and will give tonight.
Read through the Bible- I'm behind, but I've consistently read at least something almost every day.
Run 500 miles- I think I've ran maybe twice this month, so far. Which is not good at all, but it's been freezing! However, I ran a few times at the gym and am proud to say that I decreased my time and shaved around 4 minutes off of my 3 mile runs, putting me at just under 30 minutes for 3 miles. I'm happy about that.
Read one book per month- I lost my WITDORJ book for a week, so that really put me behind on finishing it for January. My new goal is to finish it this month.
Plan/cook more meals, eat out less- Some weeks I've done well with this and other weeks I haven't. I've not spent much in groceries for February, but I have spent too much on random odds and ends.
One piece of poetry per week- I haven't been keeping up with this one at all. I think I have a total of 2 or 3 short poems written. I may do away with this goal, or switch to one piece of poetry per month.
Journal once a week- I believe I have kept up with this one.
Blog once per month- Done!
Buy a gun- Saving in progress.
Memorize one verse per week- I think I missed one week of this. I'm back on track today though, having memorized verse 9 of Psalm 22.
So, all in all, I didn't do terrible with my January/yearly goals. I will admit I've fallen a little off the rocker since I did not blog my february goals at the beginning of the month. The main reason being that I do not have a laptop (mine is broken) so whenever I want to use one I have to use my boyfriend's and he's back in school. So it's been occupied. I will try to plan better for March.
Here are my goals for February.
February:
-Pay insurance before the end of the month
-Learn I Am Not Alone on the guitar
-Sand armoire
-Memorize Psalm 8:9-15
-Save $600 towards taxes
-Finish WITDORJ
-Watch Arrojo cutting dvd
-Run 16 miles
My yearly goals still apply, and the February goals will be in addition to those. I will write later to give an update on how it is going/went!
5:10 PM
4th week update
Sarah
Well, here I am with my 3rd (!) update of the month! I have found that updating helps me refocus and be inspired all over again with the goals I had set for this year. So, to give the lowdown since the last post I have:
-Kept up with all but the last week of my tithing. Seems bad but for me it's good because even though I fell 2 and a half weeks behind, I still tallied it up and tithed. Yay!
-Ran a total of 14 miles. I'm much further behind than I had intended for January so far but I'm honestly not even mad because even though I haven't run as much as I would like, I've added a few workouts throughout the month. For a seasoned athlete, it seems paltry, but for someone starting to implement new habits, I'm actually proud of myself. And I don't say that often. As the months get warmer I'm sure I will catch up with the mileage. And I'm excited about that! :)
-Picked back up the Walking in the Dust of Rabbi Jesus book. Again, I am behind on my reading, but I will not allow myself to grow discouraged and give up. I will probably have to go a few days into February with my reading, but that's ok! Progress is progress.
-Read at least something in my Bible every day. I'm extremely happy about this one, as it's been a while since I've gone so many days with consistently reading. Granted, some days have only been 1 or 2 verses, but it's something! I fell a little behind with my read through the Bible in a year plan, but I'm slowly catching up by allowing myself to sometimes listen to it, when I don't have the time to actually sit down and read it, or if my eyes are too tired at the end of the day to focus. Surprisingly, by listening, I've been able to pick up different things that I never have before. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to focus, but I've been amazed at how much I've been able to retain and remember by just listening. For the most part though, I like to actually read it myself.
-Only written 2 pieces of poetry this month, which puts me 2 behind. I'm not super upset about this. I haven't decided if I'm going to try to write 2 more to equal 4 for January or not. I'll let you know!
-Prepared more meals and eaten out less. I have made a lot of progress in this area, but it doesn't feel like it because all the money I would have saved on not eating out, I made up for in having to pay for a new crown for my tooth and house cleaning supplies. Again, I'm not going to let that discourage me. I still have to work out the kinks in my budget and this is part of it.
-Journaled once per week. The entries were brief, but present nonetheless!
-Memorized the first 8 verses of Psalm 22! I'm not exactly sure if I will be able to have the complete half of the Psalm memorized by the 31st but I'm going to at least try! To keep myself accountable, I will work on the next 2 verses of Psalm 22 tonight and tomorrow.
As I have discovered by going back over my goals, I'm starting to realize it's all about finding what works. The biggest lesson I'm trying to learn is to not become discouraged that my goals and actions are not lining up perfectly. I'm slowly but surely moving forward towards the goals, and that's what really matters. Perfection doesn't. It may not seem like much, but I know as each month draws to a close, if I feel the same or better than I do now, it will be a win in my book. :)
-Kept up with all but the last week of my tithing. Seems bad but for me it's good because even though I fell 2 and a half weeks behind, I still tallied it up and tithed. Yay!
-Ran a total of 14 miles. I'm much further behind than I had intended for January so far but I'm honestly not even mad because even though I haven't run as much as I would like, I've added a few workouts throughout the month. For a seasoned athlete, it seems paltry, but for someone starting to implement new habits, I'm actually proud of myself. And I don't say that often. As the months get warmer I'm sure I will catch up with the mileage. And I'm excited about that! :)
-Picked back up the Walking in the Dust of Rabbi Jesus book. Again, I am behind on my reading, but I will not allow myself to grow discouraged and give up. I will probably have to go a few days into February with my reading, but that's ok! Progress is progress.
-Read at least something in my Bible every day. I'm extremely happy about this one, as it's been a while since I've gone so many days with consistently reading. Granted, some days have only been 1 or 2 verses, but it's something! I fell a little behind with my read through the Bible in a year plan, but I'm slowly catching up by allowing myself to sometimes listen to it, when I don't have the time to actually sit down and read it, or if my eyes are too tired at the end of the day to focus. Surprisingly, by listening, I've been able to pick up different things that I never have before. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to focus, but I've been amazed at how much I've been able to retain and remember by just listening. For the most part though, I like to actually read it myself.
-Only written 2 pieces of poetry this month, which puts me 2 behind. I'm not super upset about this. I haven't decided if I'm going to try to write 2 more to equal 4 for January or not. I'll let you know!
-Prepared more meals and eaten out less. I have made a lot of progress in this area, but it doesn't feel like it because all the money I would have saved on not eating out, I made up for in having to pay for a new crown for my tooth and house cleaning supplies. Again, I'm not going to let that discourage me. I still have to work out the kinks in my budget and this is part of it.
-Journaled once per week. The entries were brief, but present nonetheless!
-Memorized the first 8 verses of Psalm 22! I'm not exactly sure if I will be able to have the complete half of the Psalm memorized by the 31st but I'm going to at least try! To keep myself accountable, I will work on the next 2 verses of Psalm 22 tonight and tomorrow.
As I have discovered by going back over my goals, I'm starting to realize it's all about finding what works. The biggest lesson I'm trying to learn is to not become discouraged that my goals and actions are not lining up perfectly. I'm slowly but surely moving forward towards the goals, and that's what really matters. Perfection doesn't. It may not seem like much, but I know as each month draws to a close, if I feel the same or better than I do now, it will be a win in my book. :)
12:34 PM
Mid January Update
Sarah
Tithe Consistently- I tithed last sunday but not this past sunday. On my way back from Athens I will tally how much I need to tithe and give it online.
Read through the Bible- I've kept up every day, sometimes saving the Genesis chapters for the next day. I have 2 chapters from Genesis to read and then todays Genesis chapters. So I've kept up so far. Yay!
Run 500 miles- I've done 6.1. Ideally I would have liked to have more done but my toes have not handled the sudden activity well and so I've had to let them heal. Tomorrow I will get back on track and do 3 miles.
Read at least one book per month- I just decided today the book I'm going to read. It's called Walking in the Dust of Rabbi Jesus. As soon as I get home from Athens I will start it.
Plan/cook more meals, eat out less- I've done better in the last two weeks but I'm still not down to two meals eating out per week.
Write one piece of poetry per week- Haven't done this one. Will work on 2 pieces this week.
Journal once per week- I have done this. I only have one journal entry, so I will have to write one this week.
Blog once per month- Here I am! lol. I think I may try to do once per week, just to check up on myself. But if I don't, no big deal.
*Memorize one verse per week- This is one I decided to add after I wrote my post of goals. So far I have not kept up, but that's because I just decided to start doing it. So I will be working on Psalm 22. (See below)
*I think I would like to start setting monthly goals as well. So for the month of January, I will work on the above and also add memorize at least half of Psalm 22.
Because I'm not in a quiet place where I can think I'm sure this post is full of errors and feels rushed, as it is. I will come back and give a better, more thorough update when I am in a place where I can focus!
Read through the Bible- I've kept up every day, sometimes saving the Genesis chapters for the next day. I have 2 chapters from Genesis to read and then todays Genesis chapters. So I've kept up so far. Yay!
Run 500 miles- I've done 6.1. Ideally I would have liked to have more done but my toes have not handled the sudden activity well and so I've had to let them heal. Tomorrow I will get back on track and do 3 miles.
Read at least one book per month- I just decided today the book I'm going to read. It's called Walking in the Dust of Rabbi Jesus. As soon as I get home from Athens I will start it.
Plan/cook more meals, eat out less- I've done better in the last two weeks but I'm still not down to two meals eating out per week.
Write one piece of poetry per week- Haven't done this one. Will work on 2 pieces this week.
Journal once per week- I have done this. I only have one journal entry, so I will have to write one this week.
Blog once per month- Here I am! lol. I think I may try to do once per week, just to check up on myself. But if I don't, no big deal.
*Memorize one verse per week- This is one I decided to add after I wrote my post of goals. So far I have not kept up, but that's because I just decided to start doing it. So I will be working on Psalm 22. (See below)
*I think I would like to start setting monthly goals as well. So for the month of January, I will work on the above and also add memorize at least half of Psalm 22.
Because I'm not in a quiet place where I can think I'm sure this post is full of errors and feels rushed, as it is. I will come back and give a better, more thorough update when I am in a place where I can focus!
10:26 AM
2015
Sarah
In the year 2015 I would like to accomplish the following:
-Tithe consistently
I have not tithed regularly through 2014. It's been off and on. I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but it's the truth. The reason is not because I want the extra money, as you might think. It's the inconvenience of figuring out each week what my tithe would be and getting the money out of the bank. Which is so lazy of me, I know. That's why I'm changing! I will tithe weekly now.
-Read through the Bible
My little sister decided to do this, and I've attempted several times to do it, without sticking with it. So I resolve to actually do it this year. I joined YouVersion's plan to read the Bible through the year and I'm two days in!
-Run 500 miles
I realize this is not a very large goal. However, I always make fitness goals that are way too large and then rarely accomplish them. So my idea is to set a small goal and work on consistency. This comes to about 10 miles per week, so it's not too bad. If I surpass the 500, great. If not, at least I was consistent.
-Read at least 1 book per month
I've given up a lot of reading, blaming lack of time. However, if I'm honest with myself, I probably spend at least an hour of my day on social media. If I divided half of that time and devoted it to reading, I could easily finish a book in a month.
-Plan/cook more meals, eat out less
I spent way too much money in 2014 eating out because I did not plan ahead. This year I would like to try to stay with eating out only 1 or 2 times per week. It will take me a while to get the gist of budgeting and planning for meals, but it's something I'm going to at least work on.
-Buy a gun
I need one, in case of creepers lurking, being a female who lives by myself.
-Write one piece of poetry per week
I've given up a lot of my writing, because I've felt that none of it is good. But if I'm not consistently writing, I'll never get better. I do want to get better, and for some reason I feel that one day all the writing will come in handy.
-Journal once per week
In giving up most of my writing, I've felt a void and a lot more confusion in my life. I need to write in order to figure life out. I don't know why I am the way that I am, but writing just helps me. So to start, I will journal once a week and hopefully that will turn into more.
-Blog once per month
I would like to think that once I start putting these goals into practice I'll actually be inspired to write more than once a month. But I do want to write at least once a month to update myself and whoever may read this on my progress!
So now this is out in the open. No turning back. Here's to 2015!
12:28 AM
Christmas 2014
Sarah
As each Christmas goes by without my dad, I feel differently. This year, though not as hard as previous years, felt a bit empty. I've searched for words to describe it but all I can come up with is a picture in my head. I keep picturing a string, holding something together, tying it all together. And then the string is gone. And everything sort of scatters, or unravels. That's how I felt this Christmas. Like the cord that holds me and my family closely together is gone. I do not say this to mean my family is not close or together. We are. But there is a missing piece. I know that the ultimate cord is in fact, The Lord, and that Christmas is a picture of that. Jesus coming to earth to essentially "hold us together". I know these truths. But that does not dismiss the feelings. So, I guess the point in writing this is three fold:
1. To get it all out. Life is full of deceptive perceived perfection. I would like people to know that no ones lives are perfect and almost everyone you encounter is struggling with something, no matter how put together they seem on the outside. Do not be discouraged that you don't feel those warm and fuzzies every minute of the season. Most people don't.
2. To express thanks to those who consistently, lovingly pray for my family each year, especially during the hardest days. You all have no idea what it means to still be remembered. You are a picture of Jesus to me.
3. To remind myself and whoever may read this that, though our emotions may deafen our ears with the message that reality is one way, those feelings cannot be relied upon. The older I grow the more it becomes evident to me that the heart is indeed "deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?". We must identify those emotions, admit they are there. And then we must find the truth. And the truth really does exist. It's not subjective. It's real, concrete, never changing. And the truth is that God can know the heart. He searches it and knows it. And He loves us. Before we ever loved Him, He loved us. So, though that truth seems like a whisper in the roar of lies, we have to hold to it. We have to focus on it until it drowns out all the other noise. The truth is, God so loved the world that He gave His only son. And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him...
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Oh how he loves,
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us so.
1. To get it all out. Life is full of deceptive perceived perfection. I would like people to know that no ones lives are perfect and almost everyone you encounter is struggling with something, no matter how put together they seem on the outside. Do not be discouraged that you don't feel those warm and fuzzies every minute of the season. Most people don't.
2. To express thanks to those who consistently, lovingly pray for my family each year, especially during the hardest days. You all have no idea what it means to still be remembered. You are a picture of Jesus to me.
3. To remind myself and whoever may read this that, though our emotions may deafen our ears with the message that reality is one way, those feelings cannot be relied upon. The older I grow the more it becomes evident to me that the heart is indeed "deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?". We must identify those emotions, admit they are there. And then we must find the truth. And the truth really does exist. It's not subjective. It's real, concrete, never changing. And the truth is that God can know the heart. He searches it and knows it. And He loves us. Before we ever loved Him, He loved us. So, though that truth seems like a whisper in the roar of lies, we have to hold to it. We have to focus on it until it drowns out all the other noise. The truth is, God so loved the world that He gave His only son. And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him...
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
Oh how he loves,
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us so.
12:15 PM
What's Up
Sarah
I hope I remember how to write. It's been so long since I have.
It's been almost 11 months since I've written last. Several things have changed since then.
It's been almost 11 months since I've written last. Several things have changed since then.
- I'm no longer an employee at Lifeway.
- I'm dating someone I met at Lifeway.
- I'm working at a new salon.
- I moved on my own into an apartment of sorts.
- I've gained a friend that I know I will have for life.
- One of my friends got married.
- I've grown even closer to my small group.
- I do the music in the children's Powerhouse program at church.
- I've experienced God's grace and steady love in a new way. Before, I was looking for them, and I thought because I was trying to be a good Christian and do everything I possibly could for Him, He bestowed them on me. But it's been this year, when I've been less than diligent, when I've really, really messed up, that He's still shown undeserving love. I'll go into detail more later. For now, it's good to be back.
8:12 AM
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