Streams in a Wasteland

I remember when I was younger thinking that a decade seemed like an eternity. And from 12 to 22, it has felt like an eternity.

Today marks 10 years that my Dad went to be with the Lord. My original intent was to spend today by myself all day, reflecting. Alas, it was not meant to be, and I had one of the busiest days I've had in a while.

Reflecting for me more recently has become an act of the will. I've found myself just wanting to go to the next thing and not wanting to pause and think. But one of the things that I see over and over in Scripture, especially in the Old Testament, is a theme of remembrance.

God commanded Israel to remember what He had done. This remembrance was so important that one of the things He assigned were holidays in which they were to remember specific things that the Lord had done for them and they were to celebrate these events every year. Some were holidays of joy and some were holidays of sorrowful memories. But over and over the theme repeats itself: Remember. Remember.

So, I'm choosing to remember and reflect. I'm choosing to remember that in the 10 eons that have passed since my dad's death, God has been so faithful and good. In the short span of 10 years in which so much has happened, He has never left. There have been times when I've seen a tremendous amount of good come from Dad's passing, such as salvation of a loved one, or strengthening of my faith, instead of leaning on him. I've also seen a tremendous amount of sorrow as a result of the loss. Growing up as an adolescent girl without a father is difficult, whether we realize it or not. Watching a mother and siblings deal with the loss in their own way has at times seemed more than I could bear. And not having a physical and spiritual leader to guide our family has been overwhelming at times.

I don't remember much of my Dad. But I know enough about him to know that we would have been very close. My mom tells me all the time that I'm just like him. Then again, she says that about most of my siblings. ;) Sometimes the only thing I've wanted was to have him here so that I could ask him the billions of questions I've struggled with. If there's one thing I do remember, it's that he always seemed to have an answer. People always came to him if they had tough questions.

The interesting thing about this is even though I remember little about my Dad, the more I grow in God's word, the more I understand him. And I think that's a gift from God. To be blessed with a father who surpassed most men in his zeal for Christ, to know that he was such a man of character and integrity that even in his death his life is mirrored in the pages of scripture, is pretty incredible. And I thank God that even though he's not here, he left a legacy such that I could find Jesus through him. It reminds me of when Paul the Apostle told the Corinthians to follow him as he followed Christ. Not many people could say that. My dad could say that. And I'm just so grateful. 

I'm not sure how to end this post, so I will just end it how I usually do when I can't find the words: with a song.

Daniel 3:18 - "But even if He doesn't, we want to make it clear to you, your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up."

I don't ever want to be the person who tries to shame another because they didn't take action the way I thought they should. I've been that person, and it's not cool. I hate to see it. Let's be uplifting and exhortative, not condescending and prideful.

About 2 years ago I decided to go to school to do hair. Everyone close to me had been telling me for a few years that I should do it, but I felt that if I didn't get a degree, people wouldn't view me as successful or smart or important, etc. I decided though, that I didn't care anymore what other people thought. I was miserable at college and couldn't seem to fit in anywhere. So, I quit university and signed up at my local tech school. During the 18 months that I was in tech school, life was sooo hard. Not the material or the classes, those were a joke (which made it even more difficult because mostly I felt that I was wasting time), but just having to get up early every day, sit in one small room for 8 hours for the first half and then 6 hours every day in a different room for the second part, during which time at one point I was additionally attending class from 5:30-10 pm and working between the breaks (from 3-5).
During the whole process, and even for a couple of months after it was over, I would get really depressed, because I thought I would never find anything that really made me happy. Everyone said hair would do it, yet I didn't feel happy. Mostly I felt frustrated, especially after I graduated, because I felt like nothing I did measured up to what I wanted it to be.

Now, I'm not about to say that now I'm totally happy with everything I do when someone sits in my chair. That would be a lie. I'm always learning and I never want to be totally satisfied with what I do, because that would mean I had reached a point where I thought I didn't need to learn anymore, which in this industry, or any industry for that matter, is basically career suicide. Or creativity suicide. Whatevs.

Anyway, I know this is a lot of words but basically what I want to say to whoever is reading this is don't give up. Keep trying to become better at whatever it is you've chosen to do. Just because you're not happy right now doesn't mean you never will be. Granted, if you absolutely hate your job and daydream about doing something else, something very specific, you're probably not in the right place career wise. But if the reason for your frustration is because you really want to be better and you have dreams of doing more and becoming more in your particular field, keep at it! Let that fear that you will never measure up to your own standards become the driving force behind why you work so hard to get better! And I can promise you, you will come to love what you do. And in loving what you do, you get happy! I can finally say, after searching for a career that would fulfill me and make me happy, I think I've found it. It took almost 4 years, but it's worth it.

You may be like I was, picking something to study and then when it didn't immediately fulfill you, you moved on to something else, and it became a pattern. I can't tell you how many days and moments that I was in Cosmetology school that I just wanted to quit, because I felt the same discouragement and frustration that I had with every other field of study I had chosen previously. But I had people encouraging me every day, people who had already been through what I had and who had come out on the other side, who could tell me that it was worth it and if I could just make it through this, it would all be worth it. And it is.

I love what I do. I never thought I would be able to say that, but here I am, saying it. Well, typing it. Again, I'm nowhere near what I want to be. I dream and aspire to be the absolute best hairdresser and makeup artist I can be. And I'm going to work hard to get there. And do you know what else? I have other dreams too. Dreams that have nothing to do with hair. And I really believe that when the time is right, those dreams will come to pass too. With a lot of hard work and planning ;)

So, the moral of the story is: Don't give up. Keep working hard. If something in you likes what you're doing now, keep doing it. Get better. In the words of Jon Acuff, "Hustle!" (Another thing you should do is get his Start book haha.) I promise that in the end, it'll be worth it.

You know what's great about music? It makes communication easier. I can be so tongue tied when I want to speak to God, but then I'll remember a song and suddenly it's a little easier to tell Him what I'm trying to say. Most of the poetry I've written that's waiting to be put to a melody are just prayers. That's it. And I'm so thankful that so many other people have been able to put their prayers to music. So that when I go through times like these, where the words to express the jumbled, foggy, incoherent thoughts sloshing around in my brain just won't form, I can join in a musical prayer that someone else has brought as an offering to God, and He in turn brought the increase-a heart wanting to be pruned and purified and brought to deeper intimacy with Him.

 

You know how they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? I don't support that. You know what some of the synonyms for imitation are?

Forgery.

Rip off.

Counterfeit.

Artificial.

Phony.

You know what some of the antonyms are?

Real.

Genuine.

Authentic.

Original.

I want to be the antonym of imitation.

Hmm why is it that when there's a lot going on in my life there seems to be a greater loss for words? Let's have a recap of what's happened in the last few weeks.

• We sold our house and my mom, sister, and myself have moved (almost everything) into my sisters house.
• I took the last part of my state board test and applied for my Master Cosmetologist license.
• I started to write my first song ever.
• I found out I have LPR (Laryngopharyngeal Reflux Disease).